33 weeks

I love counting down the weeks now. I never thought I would ever say "i'm in my third trimester"... what a great feeling.

Anyway, I had to go in for an u/s today because of this GD that I can't seem to control. I haven't talked to my dr. yet, but the techs at the hospital said everything is looking good. He weighs in at 5 1/2 pounds at 33 weeks.... calculating that out by the end he would weigh at least 9lbs. Holy crap. I won't get my dr. full report until tomorrow, so until then I can at least smile that I got to see him today. I did start tearing up when we pulled into the hospital parking lot, I haven't seen my little man since 19 weeks.

During the ultrasound the tech kept showing me his full bladder saying, well he should be peeing in you anytime now... but we kept looking and he never did. He must be shy ;).

30 week check up

For my 30 week check up I had to get two tests – Gestational Diabetes and test for my RH negative factor. My bad news – my levels came back so high after the GD first test they called and told me to skip the three hour test and go straight to the Diabetes Management Center. I have GD and needed to get in there to start my new management diet. I’ve now been tracking my blood sugar and have changed my diet for 5 days, and I can’t seem to get it under control. One day my levels are good all day long, the next they are high all day and I am eating what I’m supposed to be eating in this “carb counting” diet they have me on. I hope I can get this figured out by diet and don’t have to get insulin shots, I have to go back on day 7 to go over my log with the diabetes center.

What scares me about GD – the complications I read. I have learned to quit reading google during this whole procedure, I was addicted during IVF and I have done pretty good to stay away from looking up every symptom..and I read over and over that severe complications are rare with GD, it still scares me. I made it this far with no problems, I just hope everything goes well. I am trying to hard to do everything I am supposed to with this GD for the baby. I hope the dr. and I can figure this out.

Good news – I haven’t created antibodies due to the RH negative factor, so I just need to get a shot of Rhogam in my arse next appointment. I was afraid I had the antibodies from my previous ectopics – but looks like the drs all gave me the shot in time, or the babies were negative also!

I’m now at my 31 week mark.. the countdown is on! 6 more weeks and I’m officially FULL TERM.

28 weeks and counting..

I have been a bad blogger since my BFP 28 weeks ago...time is flying now. I had my baby shower last month. I remember attending baby shower after baby shower always wondering if I would ever have one. I think most people just take for granted that they will get preg and have one. I dreamed of having a baby shower for many years, and to have one for me is just so surreal. It is a day I will cherish and remember for the rest of my life. I got EVERYTHING at the shower and have been spending many nights washing all the clothes and putting things away. We've also been working many nights on the babys room. I didn't want a "theme" room but I wanted the room just perfect. I spent many nights searching for the perfect bedding set, border, paint, furniture etc., we finally have everything and have been working hard on it. Every night I stop and stare at the room. If I'm not just staring in the doorway I'm in the room just touching things, staring at the crib, checking out his clothes. Everything still seems to be a dream even though I'm larger than ever and feel him kicking daily.

As far as pregnancy goes I really don't have many complaints. My back KILLS and my feet swell all the time, but other than that, it's been a good pregnancy. I am sick of people though, I am soo sick of hearing "are you sure your not having twins", and "your due when! OMG you are big"... and the many other remarks that I have gotten. I don't remember ever saying that to a pregnant woman, and I can't understand sometimes why these people don't think anything about saying it. At the same time, I really don't care because no matter how big I get, I'm carrying my dream and a little boy that I already love more than anything.

The thought of being in my last trimester is a feeling I can't explain, but I'm so grateful for being here!!

It's a boy!!!!!

We found out we have a little BOY! I couldn't be more happy. The ultrasound was awesome, it was a half hour of checking every little body part to make sure all is well. At first he was in a position where the u/s tech couldn't tell what the sex was.. finally at the end he finally changed positions and she said it's definitely a boy!

Now we're busy rearranging bedrooms, getting rid of crap we don't need anymore and picking out furniture for the nursery. This is such a fun time, and as always we couldn't agree on a theme for the nursery so DH chose one and I chose one and we sent them to my mom to pick one out and surprise us at the baby shower. It'll be interesting to see if she has my taste or his ;)!

My feet are still swelling but other than that I can't complain about anything. I have had such a great pregnancy. This is truly a dream come true.

Too long...

It's been so long since I have been on here - too long actually. Let's see, things are going well! I find out Tuesday the sex. It's such an exciting time, I can't wait to get to see the ultrasound. I feel like I haven't had a peek at my little one since the beginning. I've been very lucky, I never had any sickness, but I have been getting swollen feet for a while now. My belly has grown very quickly also - but I'm lovin every minute of it. I've finally gone from just feeling fat to feeling pregnant and it is an awesome feeling.

I'm hoping everyone is doing well, I'm going to go now and check up on everyone!

12w1d

I finally made it to 12 weeks! What a milestone once I hit 13 weeks and am officially in my 2nd trimester! My next appointment isn't until April 15th, which seems like an eternity since my last appointment. I really miss the every two week appointments I had when I was still seeing my RE. This weeks symptom's are pretty uneventful, I'm not sick, my boobs are no longer as sore but I still feel tired all the time. I don't even have heartburn as much as I was. I guess what they say is true, you feel MUCH better after the first trimester.

Now I just wait till the next appointment. I want an u/s so bad, just to know everything is OK. I don't think I'll have one at my next appointment, I won't have another u/s until May when I find out the sex. Everything is going so sloowwww at this point.

Spotting

Thanks everyone! My self diagnosis of bed rest worked, who needs dr’s? :). Actually, by Saturday afternoon I didn’t have any spotting at all, I think I just had a slight breakdown that morning. I wonder how DH not only puts up with me, but how he hasn’t committed me into the mental ward yet! I think now how I reacted on Saturday and it was slightly C R A Z Y!!!! I think IF I didn’t go through 4 losses and had to go through IVF for this pregnancy, maybe I wouldn’t be so scared over every little thing. I think it takes away from just feeling “happy” with no fear.

I wonder if the fear will ever go away or will I be this way the whole 9 months? I wonder when I became the glass half empty kind of person rather than the glass half full… I never used to be this way. I guess I am used to disappointment, and I’m waiting for it everyday. It’s strange to explain, I’m really not saying I look forward to disappointment, I guess I just feel like preparing myself or getting ready for it and never believing things can be right. So, the spotting led me to freak out and check for all other pregnancy symptoms, and of course they were all “gone” in my mind, is just the way I’m always going to be…

11 weeks

Today is 11w and it started off with spotting. I woke up to light pink spotting when I wiped. Nothing like freaking me out first thing this morning. On top of that, I realized my boobs aren’t nearly as sore as they have been so of course I think the worse. I was crying so hard today, I’ve been lying on the couch though and haven’t had any more spotting since this morning. Bleeding is such a scary thing, I’m still scared but hoping I don’t have any more spotting. And why does it ALWAYS happen to me on weekends?!? After spending the morning reading, I see a lot of posts about people spotting light pink with nothing really “wrong” but it scares me because I was spotting pink a few weeks ago and we think that was from losing the twin. I don’t know, I’m losing my mind today. The bleeding has stopped but now I have a headache from crying, and I feel blah.

First OB appointment

Yesterday was the happiest day of my life. First, DH is out of town (unfortunately) and I had to go alone to my first OB appointment. I was fine with the whole exam and everything and then came the ultrasound. Up until this point, every u/s has been just a ball or circle, not a defined baby. Well as soon as the picture came up on the monitor, it was a baby! A baby, swimming around, arms were going everywhere, legs were kicking. The nurse was saying “wow – look, you can see the legs and everything” and the dr is saying “ isn’t he a show off, he is moving everywhere” well this entire time I am smiling and crying – but my cry is silent.. then all of a sudden, I couldn’t hold it back. I think every emotion from the time this whole IVF process started came out, I was crying so hard, the kind where you can’t catch your breath and you sound like a five year old, my whole body was shaking. It was the happiest day of my life. The nurse started crying, the student “observer” started crying and the dr. said “okay, I think you’ve got us all crying now”. The she turned the volume up and I heard the heartbeat, while he (or she) was moving all around she typed “hi mom”… and I lost it again. I cried so hard, I haven’t cried that hard in YEARS. They said alright, we’ll leave you alone so you can compose yourself… I’m in the room splashing water on my face thinking OK QUIT CRYING, and then it would start again. I think every emotion came out. I finally quit crying, the dr. came back in and we finished up and I was sent to the lap for 6.. yes SIX vials of blood to be drawn. I get out in my car, and the crying started again – then I talked to my mom – more crying – then I finally got a hold of DH – more crying… then back to work. I can honestly say I have never been so emotional or happy in my life. I have built such a barrier to emotions after each loss, I never dreamed of this feeling. I cant’ imagine how bad I’ll be next time – when I find out if it is a girl or boy.

9w1d

I have made the 9 week mark. My first OB appointment is this Thursday. I'm still in disbelief that I'm pregnant, that I have gone through IVF (and it worked) and what I've been waiting for, for so long is actually happening. On Fri a girl came up to me at work and said "your showing - I guess your pregnant". I thought, OMG - how can I be showing already!! My new obsession is to read online to find out if anyone else has gained weight during the first trimester - because my stomach really is popping out already and I don't know if its extremely bloated or what. I've read alot that petite people show early - at this point I don't really feel like I look pregnant, I feel like I look fat. Not that I'm complaining :) I did have a perfect storm of weight gaining activity though - quit smoking, fertility meds - now pregnancy. I guess i should just live with the fact that I've gained this much weight. I guess I'll find out exactly how much weight at my appointment Thursday. The fun though - SHOPPING. DH and I spent the entire day Saturday shopping for clothes that fit me. I haven't gone to the maternity clothes yet, I just bought pants (two sizes larger than my norm) and bought some large shirts. My medium and small shirts look ridiculous on me now - especially in the boob area.

As for 9 week symptoms - my new addition to the same - tired, sore boobs, and heart burn is CRYING. I've started crying twice about things I would never cry about before. Both times when DH was joking around with me. The first day he felt so bad, the second time he just said "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean for you to take that wrong" and I proceeded to laugh while I cried saying "I really don't know why I'm crying". The craziness isn't just beginning - it's just getting a little more crazy :). What fun.

8weeks!

Today was a great day - I seen the heartbeat and everything is going okay. I also have graduated to my own OB. That's a bittersweet feeling. It was sad leaving the clinic today knowing I would never go back, and thinking about what that place has done for me - it helped give me something I have been longing for since 1995 when I had my first ectopic.

Symptoms for the week - Still tired, boobs still very sore and bad heart burn. No real sickness this week (although, I'm not complaining about that one) ;).

I am officially pregnant! I still can't believe it.

7w4d

Well the week as I guessed it would is going by very SLOW. I quit taking my progesterone pills but now feel like my symptoms have decreased 90%. I always thought the progesterone was what made me feel so bloated and irritable. Well it must have been because I feel like I’m deflating and my irritation level has decreased a lot. Also, my boobs don’t hurt as much. All this is scary too, I do realize that losing pregnancy symptoms can be a bad thing – but I’m not allowing myself to think that route, just thinking it was the progesterone and now that I’ve stopped it my body is acting like a normal pregnant chick (wouldn’t that be nice – NORMAL and pregnant don’t go together for me). Oh yeah - I haven't really had any more sickness either - just one bad day. Hopefully I'll get lucky and not have any - although, the more symtoms I have, the better I feel (mentally).

Well I had to drop my fur baby off at the vet this morning to get neutered. I know they do thousands everyday – but still I was so nervous about it last night that I slept on the couch with the dog! How sad is that. Then this morning I got the extra pain meds, extra blood work and of course the IV for while he is under. Can’t wait to see the bill when I pick him up.

Also last night – while watching American Idol with my dog on my lap, I cried over a boy singing. OK – this is getting bad when I cry over someone singing. Glad DH is out of town, he would have thought I lost my mind – not to mention that he would have made fun of me for sleeping on the couch and not being able to sleep cuz I was afraid I was going to drop my dog off in the morning and he would never wake up. If how I treat my dogs are any indication on how my kids will be, I will have spoiled brat kids that everyone talks about ;).

7weeks

I’ve been bad on posting, good news though, I haven’t had any spotting since Tuesday. I've been spending so much time reading all my new books "what to expect when you are expecting" and "week by week, your pregnancy". I took the weekend to just relax and lay around, work has been so busy and all the worrying I’m sure hasn’t been good for me or the baby. I took my LAST progesterone pill tonight and my next u/s is Saturday. I know it’s going to be another long, slow week waiting for the weekend.

Today started my morning sickness - I have been nauseous all day long and my jeans are already too tight to wear. My sister stopped by Friday on her way from Florida to NY - she gave me some jeans that are a couple sizes larger than my norm, I thought to myself "I won't be wearing these for a while"..well, I tried them on yesterday - they fit and are a little snug! I say they are made small :)...other symptoms, VERY tired! I am so tired all the time and I am out everynight by 9 at the latest. Boobs are extremely sore and full, heartburn and headaches. I'm feeling pretty lucky though, I've heard some nightmare stories on the sickness, so far I haven't had anything to bad.

Saturday marked 7 weeks. Five more weeks to the big 12 week mark! Amazing how it took 10 years and four loses to get to this point. Saturday for some reason started a day of true happiness. I know things can still happen, but I feel like this is going to be okay and I'm going to carry this baby to term. I'm not sure what happened, but a sense of love and happiness took over and my guard went down as well as my constant fear of loss. The fear is of course still here- and I can't wait till my next u/s just to see for myself that things are ok, although letting down my guard a little and trying to think positive does feel good.

Going crazy..

Well not much going on other than spotting spotting and more spotting. It is really messing with my head and emotions. Sometimes I wait to go to the bathroom, what I don’t see is better for me, right?!? I called the dr and he still says as long as it is just a little pink when I wipe nothing to be concerned about. Bull shit I say. The spotting isn’t constant, it shows up at night and usually sticks around for a few bathroom visits, then it’s gone again. The next day I’ll be feeling good again, no spotting, just to get home that evening and wham.. effing spotting. Last night I was sick to my stomach – not from cramping or anything, just from being worried. And I know, I have read everything under the sun that says Spotting, while isn’t normal, is present in MANY first trimester pregnancy’s. Well, how are you supposed to know the difference in spotting that is no problem and a problem? And the people telling me “quit worrying, that will make it worse” okay, I would like to punch them… watch out.. I’m in a mood… haha…

Another thing that has just ruined my day - I went to get my hair trimmed - now I have LONG hair - all one length. My haircut gone bad - I now have SHORT SHORT SHORT hair - not even touching my neck with very SHORT layers all over my head. I actually cried when I seen it while I was still in the chair (emotional, maybe) ?

First Ultrasound!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday after work I headed to TN to meet DH at the hotel for our ultrasound today. Well after getting there, going to dinner and finally getting to the hotel room I went to the bathroom and there it was – a lot more pink/red then before. This time really concerned me, but after three wipes during my 1000 wipe-athon, the blood quit. So this morning, nervous as ever, we headed to the fertility clinic.

My appointment was 10:15, the first thing was blood work then I finally get called to head back to the u/s room. I am already sick to my stomach because I have been bleeding, but sitting in that room for a half hour really played with my head. I was thinking the worst and just figured I was losing my baby.

Well he finally came in and while starring at the monitor I seen it.. .I KNEW that was my baby. He pointed out everything and it was just perfect for the stage we are at. The bad news – there was a “mass” which he thinks is a second pregnancy that is miscarrying or “not viable”. This or implantation could explain the bleeding. So, even though I am sad that I am losing one of them, I am extremely happy that the other one is “just perfect”. The dr and Dh both said they could see a heart beat. I couldn’t see anything – but the next one I should be able to see the heart beat. Next appointment is March 1st .

Today I’m having very little spotting – but it is still freaking me out even though he told me not to worry unless I have “period like bleeding”. I just can’t wait until everything is okay and I can quit worrying, I figured that would be in about 9 months…

Best news - I'm off PIO shots as of today, I start oral pills tonight for the next two weeks. Blood work came back today and my Progesterone was greater than 40 and beta is 4533.

Home finally..

Well I’ve been out of town at a conference and boy am I tired! I realized a couple things this trip: Conferences just aren’t nearly as much fun when there is no drinking and staying out until 11pm just seem crazy to me now, I was exhausted by the time I got to my room at 11 last night. But, I did make it through the three nights of shooting myself, I am now a pro I think. Tonight is the last night and then DH will be home from his conference.

We also have TWO days until the u/s. I am so excited. Last night I had a very little bit of pink in my cm – it totally freaked me out and I went to the bathroom about 100 times to check again. Nothing has been there since that very little bit that I seen. Not sure what it was, but just that little bit had me worried and feeling sick to my stomach. So now I’m more anxious then ever to get to the u/s on Thursday. Besides that, I haven’t had anything bad, no bleeding or bad cramping so I’m hoping everything is fine.

The two biggest symptoms I have is being extremely tired and headaches. The headaches are tolerable thank god, but I feel like I could sleep all day long sometimes.

And last but not least, a “quote of the day” that my friend sent me today….

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens. Circumstances and situations do color life, but you have been given the mind to choose what the color shall be. ~John Homer Miller~

Ramblings

I was thinking, it’s a good thing I didn’t have to get any more beta tests because I would drive myself crazy analyzing the “doubling” and numbers. BUT, I now have nothing to do but wait until the u/s. I haven’t had anything to do this week and I’ve been fine because work has been so busy by the time I get home I’ve been eating and going to bed. But then today, today I started freaking out think “why are my boobs no longer tender, why don’t I have cramps, WHY don’t I feel pregnant”. I almost stopped and bought a HPT on the way home, but then I thought that was just crazy seeing I can’t do anything until the u/s on Thursday. Holy crap, and I thought the 2ww was bad on me, I feel just as crazy right now.

In other news – I DID it! I shot myself right in the rump tonight. Makes me kind of laugh at the big deal I’ve been making about it.

Also, I’m feeling really sad for all the bad news going around. The BFNs and other devastating events. It makes me feel really bad for everyone, and I just don’t think it’s fair. It’s bad enough that people have to go through fertility treatments, for things not to work is just devastating. My heart goes out to everyone right now struggling with their bad news.

Chicken Shit..

Yep, that's me. Tonight I was going to try and give myself the PIO shot.... didn't happen. I got all the main ingredients together - needles, alcohol, drugs - you know, all the good stuff. After filling the syringe I went to the back bedroom. First try - sitting on the dresser in front of large mirror. Nope, not enough top space to cross legs without falling off flat on my face. Strike One. Moved to bed, headboard has a mirror. Put pillows up, laid down, and crossed a leg with ass towards mirror. Strike Two. Couldn't do it. Moved onto full length mirror. Stood there in front of it, at this point had DH make a big circle for me - I couldn't do it! I could not see myself sticking that needle into me!!! With DH doing it, I don't have to see it. So, I ended up yelling to DH to come do it. Strike three! I have three more nights to try before I go out of town and have to. I didn't think it would be this hard. I'm a chicken shit, that is all there is to it. I know once I'm alone and HAVE to do it, I'm going to. I just wish I could now before I get into that predicament of HAVING to do it. Arggg..

Other than that, I am having an uneventful week. Just working a LOT of hours and trying to catch up from being out during all the appointments. My next appointment is going to be here before I know it!

Dillema

I’m having a problem – next Sunday I leave for a conference for work and DH leaves for a conference for his work so that means I’m on my own from Sun – Thurs to give myself my PIO shot. Has anyone ever given themselves one in the thigh? Any advice if you have? I’m scared as shit!!!! If I don’t give myself this shot, I have to find someone at the conference to do it (and I really don’t feel like asking a stranger to come shoot me up in the rear)! Soooo… any advice on the thigh?

Double Time!

I just got the call - my HCG Beta is doubling as it should. New Number - 89.3. I asked the nurse when she called why my numbers seem low compared to others that I read online - she told me to quit reading and that my numbers are progressing as they should! So... with that, I'm going to TRY not to worry so much and read into other "higher" numbers... Second - my Progesterone is.... 30.1 now! yeahhhh :)... I was happy with that. Big jump from the 13 number that I had previously.

First Ultrasound - OMG - I can't believe I am having an ultrasound!!! Feb 14th at 10:00am!!

Crazy

Well I had to up my PIO dosage, and Friday night we realized that we only had enough for one more shot with the new dosage. Saturday morning I called my clinic in a panic, they are two and half hours away, and I know they aren’t open ALL day Saturday. So after my slight panic attack, and my nurse calling all the pharmacy’s in my area to see if I can get some more, I just said I would drive down early Sunday morning. So, this morning I got to set the alarm and head out EARLY, but they took my blood when I was there so now I don’t have to do it tomorrow and mail it over night, which means around 2pm tomorrow I’ll know how my second beta numbers are – hoping they are doubling as normal.

And here comes my rant: I don’t think it’s fair that I’m not just happy. Okay, that wasn’t right, I am HAPPY, I’m ecstatic that I am BFP but I can’t quit worrying and I don’t think it’s fair. I have taken at least 7/8 pee tests at home since my blood test – why? Just to make sure I am still pregnant. What is wrong with me? I should be enjoying this moment, but I can’t. I keep telling myself after tomorrow’s blood work, if everything is okay I’ll breathe a little until after the first trimester.. I know that isn’t true but it’s a good thing to try to make myself believe. My friends and family however don’t understand me. DH thinks I’m a little crazy right now – my friends, just don’t understand and think I should just be happy. Believe me, if anyone wishes I could just be happy, it is me! I hate living with this fear that this isn’t going to work. I hate worrying every five minutes that something is wrong. I hate analyzing every little cramp. I really HATE being obsessed with looking up online other Beta numbers – Progesterone numbers – and everything else. I don’t think its fair, and I would love to be the lucky woman that just gets pregnant without thinking anything about it and doesn’t have the least fear of a problem. I envy those women. I wish my friends and family would understand that.

So till tomorrow.. .I will go on tonight in my happy, crazy, worried state of mind and continue to drive DH crazy. I tell him he wouldn’t want me any other way :)..

I've been tagged...

Okay, Maria. Here you go.The rules to the game:

1) Link to the person that tagged you
.2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!Six non-important/random things about me:

It took me a while to get this done, I was a slacker yesterday :)

My Teeth! I’m 32 and still have my baby teeth!!! Yes, some people have this and just don’t have their adult teeth up in their gums, nope, not me! I have adult teeth up there waiting to come down and my baby teeth still in tact. Not all of them are still baby, but quite a few. So, one by one we are pulling the baby teeth out, cutting my gums and slowly pulling down adult teeth. Over the last 4 months we have been pulling down one adult tooth. It will be 50+ years before we are done with them all – I will not let them pull more than one tooth at a time – I’m not walking around toothless!

I LOVE love LOVE to take pictures. For Christmas I got a new professional camera that I just absolutely love, even if I’m not a professional J. I got all kinds of lens and crazy stuff with it that I’m learning how to use.. but it is so fun!

I spent four years in the Army, one whole year in Bosnia right after basic training. I was only 19 and a scared little girl. I also spent a year in Germany and had so much fun! I went to Paris, Holland, Bosnia, Hungary, OCTOBERFEST, and Amsterdam while there.. it was FUN!

I got my ears pierced at 30! For my 30th birthday I got my ears pierced, I was so scared because when I was little I had my ears pierced and they got infected and the skin grew over the earrings. My mom had to pull the earrings out. It was awful and I swore I would never get another piercing again. I finally did it at 30 – two co workers took me and held my hand. How funny it is to me now of how scared I was to get earrings!

I’m from a small town in Upstate NY. I lived there my whole life and never went to NY City until I moved AWAY from home.

I LOVE to camp. I spent my life camping growing up, and as soon as DH and I found a place here in VA, I MADE him get us in there! We spend the entire summer at the camp ground and out on the boat. It is my HAPPY place!

Okay, now I'm tagging my three: Denise, Rebecca, and Carrie. Have fun.

Confirmed!!!!!

Well, yesterday was the worst wait ever. I wasn't even thinking that I was getting my blood work done here and mailed overnight to my clinic, so even though I did the BETA yesterday, I just got the results today. The one day wait was horrible, even though I have taken 5 home tests. Anywho - Beta on 10dpt 35.4. I'm a little scared though cuz they said my progesterone is low and have upped my dose. My level is 13.7! Just something else to worry about. Thank you ALL for all your wishes! They mean so much to me and I can't wait till we're all prego together sharing our aches and pain stories!

Speechless...

1 more day until Beta and I broke down and picked up a couple tests today... guess what! BFP... very faint but it is there! I'm going to take another one in the morning before heading to the lab. DH and I were crying, hugging - I'm just so excited. I PRAY I continue to get BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wasn't going to POAS at all, but DH talked me into it. I HOPE this isn't false hope, but I'm enjoying it anyway. I'm so happy. Alright, I'm getting off here and enjoying the FIRST night of not obsessing and researching online all night!

3 more days

3 more days to beta. Wow, last week I was irritable, had horrible cramps and my breasts were sore. Not to mention it felt like the week would NEVER end. Strange enough though, this week, no cramp, breasts no longer sore and I'm not stressed. I think this week is easier because I'm not feeling so cramping and wondering or thinking the worst! I'm not sure if what I felt was side effects from PIO shots or something else, but it was like having PMS times 100! It was great to wake up not feeling that way anymore. I don't know why...

So anyways, three more days! I am so excited! I can't wait and am crossing fingers and toes for a BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something to pass the time...

Thanks Denise! She game me something to do during my crazy 2ww!! and this did take up a lot of time and was FUN. I need some more of these little games. Anyway, this is from her early Jan post, where they play this “at – bat” song game. See her post here: http://freezerbuns.blogspot.com/2008/01/at-bat-songs.html

I chose all my “at bat” songs for each stage…what are yours?

1. Song when receiving and opening that huge box of medication: Don’t Worry, Be Happy
2. Song for Lupron: Great Balls of Fire - Jerry Lewis
3. Song when preparing for an injection: She's a Brickhouse
4. Song when going in for a wanding: Come on ride the train, ride it, woo woo, come on, ride the train, it’s the choo choo train…
5. Song when getting blood drawn: Danger Zone - Kenny Loggins
6. Song for day of ER: Eye of the Tiger
7. Song for day of transfer: You're Still The One – Shania Twain
8. Song for 2ww: Fly Like an Eagle, Steve Miller
9. Song for receiving results of beta: Miracle by Bon Jovi
10. Picking yourself up off the floor when recovering from a negative beta or cancelled cycle: I’m hoping I won’t have this – but if I do: Glory Baby, by Watermark
11. Celebrating a positive beta: Celllabrate Good Times COME ON!! Kool & The Gang!
12. Waiting between first positive beta and first ultrasound: We are the Chapions

time slowly clicking.....

Holy hell I am officially a crazy woman! This 2WW is REALLY as bad as everyone says. I just had the transfer Monday… it’s ONLY EFFING FRIDAY! This has been the slowest week of my life! I seriously think I’m going crazy. I read different message boards almost 24/7 now. I want to know what every feeling is, every twinge, every headache… I need help! ….

This truly is the worst part of this whole process. The not knowing is awful. How many times can one ask themselves if it is going to work. Sure it would be easier to just wait it out and think positive, and if someone can do that I admire them! I can’t usually make it a few hours without thinking about what is going on. To top it all off, I have cramps that feel like period cramps, I’m irritable, and I’m not very friendly right now. I have been soo bad at work this week that I even got an email from the CEO of our company that my “harsh language” needed to stop. Besides the fact that it pissed me off more when I seen it, it did make me realize that I am taking a lot of this out on my employees and co-workers and the weekend will do me good. I think I’m going to have a nice weekend of doing absolutely nothing! I would love to take a long hot bath, but then again, on one of my googling journey’s I read that not to take a bath after transfer.. so of course, I most likely will NOT take my long hot bath.

I’m hoping the irritatability, cramps and BIG sore boobs are side effects of the PIO – another googling adventure I have spent MANY hours reading about. If I can make it through the weekend… I can officially change from 2WW to 1WW J…. And perhaps I will be a nicer person again next week.

2WW

Seriously, what are you supposed to do during this time other than wait and wait and wait. Its only been since Monday. Three freakin days and I'm going out of my mind. I just want to be at that point where I know it worked. I keep thinking if I can just get through this week, next week won't be so bad (yeah right).

Tonight was so strange. DH is out of town, so he called his best friend and asked if he could stop by and give me my PIO shot. So at exact 7 he showed up and for some odd reason it was so uncomfortable standing in my kitchen, pants pulled down a little for him to shoot me up in the rear hip area. I think he was just as uncomfortable because he came in, shot me up, and left. I called DH and said, ok that was the weirdest thing ever, he said "why" it wasn't like you two were meeting to do anything other than get a shot. Call me crazy, but I just have never pictured myself standing in my kitchen alone with his best friend with my pants pulled down a little bit with him shooting me up in the ass! This is just another mark I can put on my "i can't believe I'm doing this"...

Breath.....

We did ET today!!!!

I only had 5 eggs after ER - 5 fertilized but 1 never developed after the first day, 2 were fertilized by two sperm which left us with 2 perfect embies for today's transfer. Talk about cutting it close!

I heard from the clinic on Sat that we had fertilization, but they didn't tell me any numbers to avoid any false hope. So Sunday was a LONG day just waiting for today. Our appointment was 11:45, we ended up sitting in the waiting room for well over a half hour and I started thinking the worst. I thought they must not have made it, anxiety was at an all time high. The whole time in the waiting room I was holding back tears. They finally called us and brought us back to one of the "relaxing" rooms that we were in before we did ER. This is when I started to freak out! I thought for sure I had nothing for transfer. Finally egg lady (embryologist) came in...she started off with... well all five fertilized but... my stomach fell and she went into the details on the eggs that didn't make it. Then she said, would you like to see a picture of the two perfect embryos that we will be transferring today? I can't tell you how I felt, I had the biggest smile and I couldn't quit staring at the picture. Two little embies.... then on to the ET, which by the way is a piece of cake! Once she said, okay, you now how embryos in you and they all left the room I started crying harder than I ever have. It is such a relief to make it to this point. We don't get the opportunity to live by the month or even the week when going through ivf, it seems we live day to day with milestone after milestone. But I've made it this far... now into the 2ww!

Last but not least - the progesterone shot doesn't hurt at all. My stomach shots hurt worse than this one, although DH either rubs it in his hands for a half hour or I stick it in my bra to warm it up some before we do it.. Not sure if it helps, but I haven't had a problem with it - no sting, burn etc. The needle makes me jump when it first goes in but then I don't even feel it.

The last three days...

First the trigger – Wednesday I was dreading this shot ALL day. The needle was bigger, and I had a big circle right on my hip muscle for DH to give it to me. The trigger was at 11pm. I know how important this shot is so from the time I get out of work until 10:30 I watch the clock.

Finally, 10:30 I say to DH, alright, let’s go up and get the syringe ready. So up we go – 10:45 the syringe is ready, I lean over the table and stare at it and say “ok, we’ll just wait here till 11”. I look at DH and if you could have seen his face. He was looking at me like I had finally lost it! He said, I don’t know about you, but I’m going back downstairs for 15 mins. As serious as ever I said “no, this has to be done at 11pm exactly”! Again, he looks at me and says… with a concern in his voice..yes, I understand sweetie, but it takes us less than 1 min to walk up the stairs. (he had to have thought I was nuts!) So I say fine, let’s go downstairs. I carry the phone with me, and start a count down looking at the time on the phone. I start yelling out “10 MINUTES” .. “9 MINUTES”. “7 MINUTES”...etc. I kept getting a look from DH but he never did say a thing! So 11 we’re back upstairs to get the shot. I felt it go in, but did NOT feel it at all. Not bad at all.

Next morning, I’m on the phone with my sister telling her about the night before. All of a sudden it hits me how ridiculous I was and I start laughing so hard that I can’t stop. My sister and I laughed for about an hour. DH must have seriously thought I had LOST my mind. Thinking of that shows just how crazy some people can get going through this..and that was my moment! My proud CRAZY moment!


Thursday – 1/17 – HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!! We’ve made it 10 years!! Our IVF clinic is 2 and a half hours away, so we go get a hotel not even 5 mins from the clinic because ER is tomorrow!! So excited!! We get to the hotel at 8 after a nice dinner, I’m asleep by 9! My hip is now sore from the trigger shot. Do not touch that area, it doesn’t feel too good!

Friday – 11/18 – ER day! We get to the clinic 15 mins before my 8am appointment. Surprise Surprise with me the anal "time" person lately. We are taken back to “our room”. It’s the room that we will have for the day, a futon for me to lay on, and reclining chair for DH. It’s a nice room, but it’s cold! Anyway, 1st – another hip shot, this time the anti biotic – then I got two pills, for pain. Then comes the good stuff… nurse comes in with a small pill like thing, I have to put it under my tongue to dissolve and it is supposed to help me relax. Right after this the best nurse ever is in there talking to me, they take DH away for his contribution and I start to fall asleep. They wake me up to take yet another one of those awesome little dissolving pills… well that’s it for me folks. If you have ever gotten drunk and forgot the night before except for small bits and pieces or if someone says something and you can kind of remember it.. well if you know that feeling that is the EXACT feeling I have from yesterday. I don’t remember crap. I slightly remember being in the er room, but I don’t remember the pain or what it felt like at all. Next thing I remember is being wheeled out to the curb, getting in the car and then waking up about 8pm last night. I remember eating a sandwich and that’s it. I woke up at 7am this morning feeling awesome! Unfortunately, I have to wait for DH to wake up to find out all the details, I’ll post them later. Hoping there were some decent eggs …. But if nothing else, I got a “trip” of a lifetime ha. I need some more of that good shit! Wild. Hopefully I'll have egg details later...(or we can time how long it takes me to wake him up cuz I can't wait any longer)...

It's a go..

Went this morning for the last u/s, bw before the ER. Everything is a go for Friday. They used a pen to make a big circle on the upper part of my rear end for the trigger shot tonight, at 11pm! DH is excited about using a bigger needle on me... i think he has far too much fun shooting me up. haha (just kidding!)

I am extremely nervous about the ER, especially because it's done in the clinic and I'm not put to sleep. So today I expressed my concerns and the nurse sat in the room with DH and I for a long time going through the whole process. The meds that I will be on are apparently so good that I won't even remember anything about the ER. That's all I needed to hear! I'll be awake, but out of it. They said I will sleep all day afterwards and Saturday I will have to ask DH about everything. He is going to be in the room with me.

Now I am EXCITED. Everything seems to be happening so fast now. The whole time we were discussing ET my eyes kept watering. Now I'm an emotional crazy woman who can't quit crying. At least it is a happy/excited cry for once. When we left, DH said that it is so exciting now. Things are really happening (how many times can we say that).

Deja vu

It’s so weird going through this right now. After four ectopics, I became “numb” while going through the stages from finding out I was pregnant, to confirming it was an ectopic, to either surgery or other means to end the ectopic. While finding out I was pregnant, I was always happy, then onto the hospital visits every other day to find out if my hCG levels were doubling. This stage is when I felt numb. I never got used to hearing the bad news nightly, but I was prepared for it as hard as it was. During the whole time I had no emotion, I knew it was bad, but I always hoped. Then the point when it is definitely an ectopic and we need to do something about it. This is when I would break down, cry constantly and go through surgery or shots until my levels were down to “not pregnant”. Then I would go in a fog until the next one.

Now I’m going through IVF. It seemed like when we made the first step and actually started on this process I was happy. Then bad news after bad news during the diagnostics brought my high down to the very lowest. Here I was finally getting to do the one and only way I’ll ever get pregnant, and there are more problems other than my tubes. I started to get numb after many nights of crying and feeling the same emotions that I have before. Now I’m going every other day for blood work and u/s. This reminds me so much from going to get bw every day while pregnant and NOT getting good news. Up until yesterday I was numb again, but then yesterday I got good news. I think it is the first time I have ever gotten GOOD news from a doctor when it relates to pregnancy. I cried, I cried all day yesterday. Every time I think of him saying “your uterus is excellent”, you’ve got more eggs, everything is looking good I cry. I just can’t believe things are good and we are finally at this point.

My bw is coming back good and my uterus lining is “excellent” (how many times can I say that to myself.. something is EXCELLENT)…

So now, we are doing the trigger shot Wednesday, ER Friday and ET on Monday! Now I am beyond excited. I just HOPE and PRAY everything works! I’m not ready for a LOW again, but I’m not naive either and I do know this whole process is a 50/50 chance…But I’m thinking GOOD thoughts!

PS – if anyone can tell me about the ER procedure I would appreciate it! I am so nervous about it, my clinic doesn’t use IVs or put you out, I just get some drugs.. YIKES

7am wake up time..

It's Sunday, I would have given ANYTHING to sleep in, I had to work all week, woke up at 4:45 Sat for my appointment and was hoping today would be sleep in day..but NOPE, had to start the new shot. So, the alarm went off at 7, I woke DH up to give me the shot (i will never be able to give them to myself)... I go to the kitchen to get the shot ready, let the dogs out for their "business" and here comes DH..he looks like he is sleep walking, wearing only his nice underwear. He says "don't turn on any lights"... we both feel hung over, not from drinking, just from the crazy ups and downs over the last month or so. So, he gives me the shot, I don't know the name right off the top of my head, but it's the one to make me not ovulate...anyway, that's done .. it didn't hurt AT ALL, nothing like the Menupor that stings, burns and takes forever. I let the dogs back in, and all at once the dogs jump back in bed, DH goes back to bed and I can't go back to sleep! I made a pot of good ole decaf coffee and have been laying on the couch watching movies. So much for sleeping in! Back to the dr. tomorrow for u/s & b/w. Hoping things are better.

Follie Check

I went this morning for my first u/s & bw after 5 days of stimming on Menopur... the dr. said good for me being a low/poor responder but I'm not sure. Only 3 follies in each ovary, ES 370 and LH 1.3. Honestly, I have NO clue what any of this means, and even though I swore off never googling again, I've been on google for the last THREE hours! The only thing I have done is waste three hours of my life.... so I'm going back to what RE said in the first place.. Not Great, Not Bad ... it's GOOD. And he told me I needed to start thinking positive thoughts and get excited. Of course I'm excited...but I am worried too.

So next week I go Monday for u/s & b/w - depending on how things go he said I would trigger on Wednesday and er on Fri. I have to think he knows best even though I think 6 total follicles is not enough...but it's QUALITY not QUANTITY, right? The orginial plan was to trigger tonight, but now I'm stimming for a couple more days... I'm hoping for more follicles on Monday (can I even get more in two day?).. Unfortunately, no er on our Anniversary, but we won't have to travel the 2 and a half hours to the clinic for our 10 year so maybe we can do someone fun.

Just another day..

I feel like I went from going to appointments every day to nothing. Now it's just the nightly shots.. I don't go back until Saturday for my first Ultrasound/Blood work to see how I'm responding to the Stims. So...what to do until then.... one thing is good, I'm catching up on all my work even though it's so hard to concentrate on work. I feel like my whole life is consumed right now in either being excited and happy or worried and anxiously waiting for my next appointment.

DH and I will have been married TEN years next week. And if all goes well, we will extracting the egg(ssssss) either the day before or the day of our anniversary! How cool is that! I always said we would have kids on our 10 year anniversary, little did I know that I would be almost exact ;).

Another grip I have about this whole process, we have a good marriage...yes we have the usual stupid fights just like anyone else and we have worked hard on our marriage, but since October when we started this whole process, we are so stressed, worried, nervous, happy...all these feelings and we can't deal with each other. We fight over the craziest things. Sure the fights only last maybe 5 mins, but we both blow up over nothing. I feel bad because I truly know I am crazy right now ;)... he can't do ANYTHING right, but then again, he is a little off too ;). Anywhoo.... I guess it's all part of the fun we get to go through. Thank god I came to work today...it gets my mind off things, but then again, access to the internet isn't good either.

Which leads me to another thing, the internet. I am not researching anything else on the internet. It makes me worry over things that are not my situation. FSH levels, I worried for weeks over my FSH level from reading other websites. Fibroids - gosh, I would have thought I could never carry a baby from some of the stuff I read (of course, the bad stuff is what was sticking in my brain). Now it's IVF protocols. I am OBSESSED with reading others protocols. I'm on the short protocol, no lupron because of my FSH level and poor reserve. From what I have read so far... this is not a protocol that I see often on clinic sites, so of course it's not going to work (in my head). I am officially announcing, no more reading for me. I am a Google Addict and I need help! ;)! I will only go to blogs...reading REAL life experiences - which is much more therapeutic than reading some study on the internet anyway..

Shots....

Well I went today and picked up the drug store! I am starting out with Menopur - taking five vials so they can start me out high and reduce if needed. My baseline is good (whatever all those numbers mean) the only thing I heard was my FSH level went from 10 to 8.1 today. He did say that was better. I have no idea what all this means... but I sure am getting a quick education in all this! Worse than the injection tonight was having to write the check this morning for the meds and IVF. I can't believe insurance doesn't cover this ..... mine covers Viagra but not fertility drugs.... wtf! okay, that was my one bitch for the day because today was a pretty good day! It was soo exciting starting today - getting all the drugs - getting my schedule! Now I just hope and pray everything works.

Injection - my stung for a bit but that was it! DH took FOREVER injecting, he was soo nervous (not as much as I was though). I am red in the area too..oh well, it's worth it in the end.

Good luck to everyone else going through this... I'm glad I made my way here to meet you all! :)

First meds appointment

Is tomorrow morning at 8:30. Is it normal to be excited and scared at the same time? I've been waiting so long for this. It's weird how it is finally here but I can't quit being worried that this isn't going to work. I need to just think positive but it's hard to. I wish I could just be happy and not worry about anything else.

Lovely AF

AF is here... that means I call tomorrow am to go back to start my Stims....i'm effin EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Emotions...

I don't think anyone that has not gone through this or going though this can possible understand the emotions we go through. I have been waiting for years to do IVF after four ectopics. I always heard/knew/held hope that I could do IVF and would have NO problems. Deep inside though I was scared of starting. I was so scared that it wouldn't work and then what, I would have NO hope. I had to listen to people say, Just do IVF - what is drinking and partying more fun - what are you waiting for. I always made up an excuse... money, wanted to have fun (come on...get the eff out... I wanted a baby more than anything), had to finish school etc. but the truth is I was scared. I did NOT want to go to a clinic and find out that I had more problems other than my tubes. Well, when I decided to do IVF this year, the first appointment was fine. He said "perfect candidate", I was what IVF was made for - people with blocked tubes. So I was on the highest of highs. Well then testing started and the biggest fear for the last 7+ years came true. It wasn't just my tubes, I had all other problems to. I not only cried with disappointment, but also it was something I was scared of for YEARS and here it was in my face. Why me? So, even though I have all these odds against me, I have to try ONE time to see. I have to play to win, and if I don't play once I will never know. And we have adjusted the IVF protocol completely to fit my many problems...and I am going to hope and think positive for the next month! Now it's just waiting for AF...never thought I would WANT AF to come :)

Important dates...

2007
Inital Consut: Oct 4th
HSG: Oct 25th
IVF Consult: Nov 27th
Family Phs: Nov 30th- quit Zoloft
Quit Smoking: Dev 10th
IVF Appointment: Dec 11th: Testing, sperm, fsh, estrogen, ultrasound.
Once we got to ultrasound, got bad newz - either double uterus or fibroid
IVF: Dev 17th, called to get results. Good news, HSG looks normal, will need to come back for Sono to check issue with uterus. Bad News, FSH Level is too high, 10.1. Make appointment for week of Jan 3rd.

OK - between Dec 17th and Jan 3 is the LONGEST, Most excruciating wait of my freaking life!! Just FYI :)

2008! FINALLY
IVF: Jan 4th ... GOT the GO Ahead. Previous post has ALL the details :)... I've never been sooooo happy in my life. Scared too though, I know the odds of this working the first time, but I have hope! I pray it works! PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE work!!!

ROLLER COASTER...

Ok - yesterday was my appointment to find out all the details and if I COULD go on with IVF. First...we had to drive 2 and a half hours away and our appointment is at 10am. SO DH and for the first time so far get on our way without arguing (we are not morning people) and on time. He wanted to stop at Mc Donalds and said he didn't want to hear me bitch about being late so he was in the car before me for once ;). I did have to laugh that he was that determined to get McD's.. so we get to Johnson City and I take a wrong turn...after minutes of FRUSTRATION... ARGUING... arggg..we get back on track...get to the hospital at exactly 9:59! Yeahhhh...1 min early.

10am I sign in and we take our seats with our usual magazines. Within minutes I get called... HOLY SHIT! this is a first, we usually wait forever. So I grab my stuff and the nurse says - you don't need that, I just need to talk to you. So I go back and you will not believe what she says.......what are you here for today? I look at her like WTF...and she said well what procedure are you expecting. I said YOU called me and said I needed to come this week, I've been waiting since before Christmas and YOU don't know why I'm here? I need my results, I need a SonoHSG... so she says alright, I'll talk to the dr. So back out to the chair with the trusty mag. Half hour later, my name called again. I grab my stuff but once again hear, no need to bring that, we just need you for a min. I get back there and they hand me three Motrin "in case" the dr can do the Sonoultrasound. OK... I take the three, go back out. While waiting I did learn some interesting sex moves from Cosmo...DH also read them with a smile and informed me that he deserved one when we got back home. 11am. STILL waiting..... getting very irritated and thinking... I'm done here! I've had a bad morning, I've sat here over an hour and they didn't even know why I was here???? WTF! I'm not a nice person right now, I've gone through more ups and downs in the last couple months, I quit smoking, I quit taking Zoloft. They are lucky I don't run back there and starting kicking everyone (it was the less crazy sounding thing - kicking) ;).... FINALLY...

They call my name again.. this time I ask...can I bring my stuff this time?She said yes, the dr would like to talk to you now. So DH and I walk back to his office.

How the conversation begins: Well, you need four things for a successful pregnancy - 1. Egg, 2. Sperm, 3., Uterus, 4. Fallopian Tubes. The only thing you have going for you is your DH sperm. All three are bad, if it wasn't for bad luck you wouldn't have any luck. OK. Don't say this shit to a woman on the verge to go completely insane! seriously!!!! then he looked up at me and smiled. OK, normally, I would have imagined myself jumping over the table, grabbing his head and punching him (yes, i don't care how bad this sounds.. .... eff off.. go through what the rest of us infertile women go through and THEN judge...). But I didn't, for some reason his smile and the way he looked at me gave me comfort that everything was going to be okay. He started with the tubes: Obviously, these are damaged. Eggs: My FSH level was high, but my age is my friend right now and we will just need to adjust the protocol to fit this. Uterus: we will do the SonoHSG to check the issue there. Sperm: no problemo! OK - I'm feeling a little better at this point. After MUCH discussion we move to the room where the probe violates you! DH and I go into the room, I do the usual - you know, strip from waist down and sit on the dang table..waiting! Of course DH kept saying "your ass is hanging out"... I said... omg, who cares! he is about to go up the crotch! So our conversation while waiting for RE: DH, I really hope this is good, if he said "oh no" when he looks at the monitor I'm taking a cab home. RE finally comes in, does an internal ultrasound first, checks out the suspicious "double uterus/fibroid" location...then on to the procedure. I'll post about pain between Sono/Hysto later. We see the unknown object in me... a FIBROID...but the best news ever... it is NOT in the cavity, it is NOT touching the uterus wall. OMG.. .I had to hold back the tears right there! I haven't had GOOD news in a LONG time, and I am going to cherish any good news I get! So... with this, I have a new IVF protocol.
SHORT - NO Lupron! I'm going to be doing Aggressive STIMS due to my FSH Level! I call the day I start AF, start meds the day I go (within three days of AF) and within 15 days we will be complete! HOLY Shiiizzzaaaaaa... all these ups and downs and road blocks...and now it's happening! The normal ride home from the clinic is crying, today is the same,...although not a sad cry! everytime I think that this is truly happening... i am starting IVF i start to cry. I have to say I truly think that Jan 4th 2008 has been the best day of my life. Just a little glimpse of hope... and to know that I'll be moving on and by Feb I could be pregnant! WOW...

Still Waiting...

FINALLY, tomorrow is the next IVF appointment. I feel like it's been a year since our last appointment, and from the last time I got the wonderful (sarcastic) news that my FSH level was HIGH! I've come to understand that this is a LONG process... for anyone getting ready to go through this or going through this... you need to be prepared to hurry up and wait! I hope I get good news tomorrow, but I have come to the conclusion that if my chances for a successful pregnancy is slim, we will begin to look into adoption. This has been a 10 year journey, and I'm ready to become a mom, and what greater experience then adopting a child in need. So... tomorrow will tell...