Saturday, January 5, 2008


I don't think anyone that has not gone through this or going though this can possible understand the emotions we go through. I have been waiting for years to do IVF after four ectopics. I always heard/knew/held hope that I could do IVF and would have NO problems. Deep inside though I was scared of starting. I was so scared that it wouldn't work and then what, I would have NO hope. I had to listen to people say, Just do IVF - what is drinking and partying more fun - what are you waiting for. I always made up an excuse... money, wanted to have fun (come on...get the eff out... I wanted a baby more than anything), had to finish school etc. but the truth is I was scared. I did NOT want to go to a clinic and find out that I had more problems other than my tubes. Well, when I decided to do IVF this year, the first appointment was fine. He said "perfect candidate", I was what IVF was made for - people with blocked tubes. So I was on the highest of highs. Well then testing started and the biggest fear for the last 7+ years came true. It wasn't just my tubes, I had all other problems to. I not only cried with disappointment, but also it was something I was scared of for YEARS and here it was in my face. Why me? So, even though I have all these odds against me, I have to try ONE time to see. I have to play to win, and if I don't play once I will never know. And we have adjusted the IVF protocol completely to fit my many problems...and I am going to hope and think positive for the next month! Now it's just waiting for AF...never thought I would WANT AF to come :)

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