Waiting

Well I am still waiting for my next appointment! I thought with Christmas and New Years time would fly...but it's not! I just want to get to my appointment and find out what is next. What he thinks about my FSH level, what he seen on my HSG, what the HECK is going on with my uterus...etc.etc.etc. for anyone preparing to do IVF....be prepared to WAIT. I thought this process would be much faster than this. On a brighter note, I'm FINALLY over my sickness and still haven't smoked ;). But if they told me tomorrow I couldn't do IVF, I'd go smoke a pack of damn cigs!!!!

FSH Levels

Anyone heard of FSH Levels? Apparently mine are high, I called the dr. for my HSG results and was SHOCKED when they said my FSH levels were pretty high for IVF. I never in a million years thought anything was wrong with me other than my tubes. Now I have issues with my uterus, my FSH levels...what next? My first appointment I was supposed to be pregnant in January, now I don't even know if I CAN get pregnant even with IVF. I am so sick of going through this already, and it just started! I know some people have been going through IVF for years, with one unsuccessful attempt after another. I admire how strong these women are, because I don't know if I could take it. I spent the last 10 years or so knowing IVF was my only option, but besides not being able to afford it, I was always scared to start in case of other problems. I never thought I had any problems, but all my hope would be gone if there were problems. Well here I am going through the biggest fear of my life. At least my depression hasn't come back, I feel fine, I'm just going through a roller coaster of ups and downs. I go back to the Dr. Jan 4th to find out my fate....if my FSH levels are too high to continue without using a donor egg, or if we should give it a try. So till then, I wait and try to quit reading all the crap on the Internet, that just puts me in a sad mood reading the very grim prognosis!

SICK

Well I thought I was coughing my lungs out due to quitting smoking, but obviously it's not that! I woke up with the chills and a fever and have felt like total shizzzza all day. My head feels like it is going to explode, I can't breathe, my back is killing me and my head hurts. I know I know, I need to quit complaining and go back to bed!

Quit Smoking!

Well in the midst of all this IVF ups and downs, I have managed to QUIT smoking (and go off zoloft)! I haven't smoked since Sunday -

I have stopped nicotine for 5 days, 19 hours, 13 minutes and 4 seconds (5 days).
I've not smoked 116 death sticks, and saved $17.41.I've saved 9 hours and 40 minutes of my life.

Woo hoo!! Although, the cough I have right now is AWFUL! my chest kills and I feel like I smoked a pack in an hour!! All the crap must be working it's way out of my system, but I hate this cough. AND I'm happy to report I walked into the grocery store today and it is the first time I have smelled cig smoke and thought NASTY!!!

IVF

Well it's 2007, we decide it's finally the year! We are going to start IVF! We refinanced the house to pay off everything and to have the cash to pay for the procedure. September 07, I set up my first appointment, it's scheduled for Oct 4th. Of course, nothing happens fast. After my initial consultation they want to schedule an HSG! And of course, this can't be done till the next period. After all these years of going through the hell I've been through, of course I can wait a month I tell myself. Finally, October 24th is my scheduled HSG. Results come back fine, can start the IVF process. I make an appointment with the IVF clinic, of course I can't get in until Nov 27th. Kevin and I drive to the clinic, meet with the dr. (who I like a lot!) and hear nothing but positive things. First off, my tubes are the only problem IVF was started for people like me. My chances for success are very high. One try and I should get pregnant. I can't describe how happy I feel. FINALLY after all these years of devastation, it's here! I'm going to start IVF! My dream is finally coming true. Nothing can go wrong, right?!? I have to go home and of course, wait for my period to start the next step. We're going to test Kevin's sperm (just in case) and do some testing on my egg reserve. Shouldn't be a problem, I'm still young. December 11, 2007 Kevin and I go back to the clinic for the tests. He does his "thing" while I go in a room for an internal ultrasound. The dr. comes in and says "did you know you have two uterus'"? I said NO., then he says "well it could be a fibriod", "did they not say anything during your HSG?" Again.. NO! well he takes a zillion pictures while moving that damn probe all around me (NO it does not feel good)! :) Kind of feels like an arm up ya trying to reach up your throat (okay, maybe a little exaggeration) :). So he leaves and asks us to come to his office when I am done getting dressed. We walk around the corner, and there is the dr., his head resting in his arms, staring at the pics. He shakes his head and says, "it's not going to be so easy, we thought it was just the tubes, there is a problem with your uterus". My heart fell. The feelings I have had over the last few weeks just came back down to the lowest, saddest feeling ever. How can one have their hopes crushed in just a few hours?!? The ride home from the clinic was the worst ever. I haven't cried like that since my last ectopic in 2004. That night, my thoughts were nothing but the worst, this isn't going to work, how can we spend all this money now without our chances being good? I decided I can't do anything now but wait. The dr. is going to request my HSG results and give me another test next week. Right now I'm in limbo, just waiting.

Zoloft!!

All I have to say is THANK GOD for depression meds!!! and a dr who can see someone is in serious trouble!! After my last ectopic and the loss of my grandfather, my deep depression ended when I finally got put on Zoloft. Life as I once knew it was back again!! I was happy, started hanging out with friends again, finished college and prepared for when we could afford IVF.. life couldn't be better

Back to the beginning....

Where do I start... I'm 32 now and this begins back when I was 19 years old. I had a feeling I was pregnant, took a test and seen that slight pink double line! I was pregnant. Millions of thoughts through my head, I'm too young, I just graduated high school, my family DID NOT approve of my boyfriend all these thoughts, but not one of them had anything to do what would happen over the next few weeks. It all started at my first OB appointment, there was no sign in my uterus that I was pregnant, but my levels were still going up. I'm 19 and have NO IDEA what any of this means until one day I have an awful pain, next thing I know I'm in the emergency room with the doctors saying I had an ectopic pregnancy. Ectopic Pregnancy? WTF is that? The only thing I understood, was the pregnancy was not going to make it and I was going into surgery. The last thing I remember is asking my mom, "will I wake up" when I was getting ready to go under. I had the surgery, it was 1995 and they had to cut my across my stomach during the surgery. Recovery took a while, but eventually I was back to normal still not really understanding what an "ectopic" was, why it happened to me or that it could happen again. I decided to go in the Army and spent the next four years in the military.

I got married in 1998 and got out of the Army in 1999. We moved to Virginia and in 2000 and I heard those awesome words from the Dr..."your pregnant". I can't even tell you the feeling I had, I have never been so happy in my life. I never thought of having an ectopic, I thought what happened back in 95 was a "fluke". When I told the doctor about my first ectopic, they decided to take blood every couple days to make sure my levels were doubling. The devastating news that they weren't was more than I could take. After two weeks of blood work and ultrasounds, the doctor told me it was another ectopic. That night I was home eating dinner and felt sick, I walked to the bedroom, laid on the bed and had the worst pain that I have ever felt in my life. I screamed for Kevin, he picked me up and drove me to the hospital. I couldn't walk, I was doubled over in the waiting room while the stupid ass hospital has to go through all the paper work while you feel like your dying! I eventually got on a bed when all of a sudden my body started going into shock, the machines were going crazy that I was hooked up to and Kevin was being pulled from the room. My tube had ruptured, I was rushed into surgery and almost died that night. Recovery from this ectopic was much longer and the emotional toll on me was almost to hard to take. I spent the next year in a major depression. I worked, came home and went straight to the bedroom. I hated everyone, I didn't understand why this was happening to me -I wanted a baby more than anything in the world.

Let's jump to 2002, guess what! Pregnant again! Now, I know my chances of another ectopic but ya know what, I don't care. When I hear those words - your pregnant, I have a feeling I can't describe. I'm so happy, I don't think about what ifs, I just think I'm pregnant! The way I get to feel for these first couple days is well worth not thinking about anything negative. Unfortunately, it makes things worse when I do hear bad news. We all know the routine by now, I have to go through blood work and find out if my numbers are doubling. Of course, again for the third time they aren't. The sadness is awful when I hear from the Dr that they aren't. This time I had less invasive surgery, lap. After my surgery we found out I had dysplasia, precancer cells, and had to go through a ton of different procedures. By now, depression has taken over my entire life. Life is pretty awful.

It's the end of 2004, guess what, pregnant again. Don't you think I would learn? Don't you think no matter how many times I tell myself to NOT get my hopes up, that I wouldn't. Of course not, as soon as they say Your Pregnant, the emotions come flooding in. It is still a feeling I can't describe, I've never felt this happy about anything else in my life. Of course by now, I have done more research on Ectopic pregnancy's than any one person would ever want to read on it. I know that one tube is gone, and I've already had an ectopic in the tube remaining, my chances of a normal pregnancy are VERY slim, but you know what, the day I hear I'm pregnant I don't think about any of that. I just think I'm Pregnant!!!! But this pregnancy, like all others, was an ectopic. I took shots this time and didn't have to go through surgery, but that didn't make things easier, it was still the hardest thing in my life and the sadness is greater than ever. The next couple months were not any better, my grandfather died and this put me into a depression that I just couldn't get out of. Life as I ever knew it was over. The happy, easy going 18 year old was forever gone. Now I was a married adult who hated the world, talked to no one and hated everyone.