Saturday, December 15, 2007

Back to the beginning....

Where do I start... I'm 32 now and this begins back when I was 19 years old. I had a feeling I was pregnant, took a test and seen that slight pink double line! I was pregnant. Millions of thoughts through my head, I'm too young, I just graduated high school, my family DID NOT approve of my boyfriend all these thoughts, but not one of them had anything to do what would happen over the next few weeks. It all started at my first OB appointment, there was no sign in my uterus that I was pregnant, but my levels were still going up. I'm 19 and have NO IDEA what any of this means until one day I have an awful pain, next thing I know I'm in the emergency room with the doctors saying I had an ectopic pregnancy. Ectopic Pregnancy? WTF is that? The only thing I understood, was the pregnancy was not going to make it and I was going into surgery. The last thing I remember is asking my mom, "will I wake up" when I was getting ready to go under. I had the surgery, it was 1995 and they had to cut my across my stomach during the surgery. Recovery took a while, but eventually I was back to normal still not really understanding what an "ectopic" was, why it happened to me or that it could happen again. I decided to go in the Army and spent the next four years in the military.

I got married in 1998 and got out of the Army in 1999. We moved to Virginia and in 2000 and I heard those awesome words from the Dr..."your pregnant". I can't even tell you the feeling I had, I have never been so happy in my life. I never thought of having an ectopic, I thought what happened back in 95 was a "fluke". When I told the doctor about my first ectopic, they decided to take blood every couple days to make sure my levels were doubling. The devastating news that they weren't was more than I could take. After two weeks of blood work and ultrasounds, the doctor told me it was another ectopic. That night I was home eating dinner and felt sick, I walked to the bedroom, laid on the bed and had the worst pain that I have ever felt in my life. I screamed for Kevin, he picked me up and drove me to the hospital. I couldn't walk, I was doubled over in the waiting room while the stupid ass hospital has to go through all the paper work while you feel like your dying! I eventually got on a bed when all of a sudden my body started going into shock, the machines were going crazy that I was hooked up to and Kevin was being pulled from the room. My tube had ruptured, I was rushed into surgery and almost died that night. Recovery from this ectopic was much longer and the emotional toll on me was almost to hard to take. I spent the next year in a major depression. I worked, came home and went straight to the bedroom. I hated everyone, I didn't understand why this was happening to me -I wanted a baby more than anything in the world.

Let's jump to 2002, guess what! Pregnant again! Now, I know my chances of another ectopic but ya know what, I don't care. When I hear those words - your pregnant, I have a feeling I can't describe. I'm so happy, I don't think about what ifs, I just think I'm pregnant! The way I get to feel for these first couple days is well worth not thinking about anything negative. Unfortunately, it makes things worse when I do hear bad news. We all know the routine by now, I have to go through blood work and find out if my numbers are doubling. Of course, again for the third time they aren't. The sadness is awful when I hear from the Dr that they aren't. This time I had less invasive surgery, lap. After my surgery we found out I had dysplasia, precancer cells, and had to go through a ton of different procedures. By now, depression has taken over my entire life. Life is pretty awful.

It's the end of 2004, guess what, pregnant again. Don't you think I would learn? Don't you think no matter how many times I tell myself to NOT get my hopes up, that I wouldn't. Of course not, as soon as they say Your Pregnant, the emotions come flooding in. It is still a feeling I can't describe, I've never felt this happy about anything else in my life. Of course by now, I have done more research on Ectopic pregnancy's than any one person would ever want to read on it. I know that one tube is gone, and I've already had an ectopic in the tube remaining, my chances of a normal pregnancy are VERY slim, but you know what, the day I hear I'm pregnant I don't think about any of that. I just think I'm Pregnant!!!! But this pregnancy, like all others, was an ectopic. I took shots this time and didn't have to go through surgery, but that didn't make things easier, it was still the hardest thing in my life and the sadness is greater than ever. The next couple months were not any better, my grandfather died and this put me into a depression that I just couldn't get out of. Life as I ever knew it was over. The happy, easy going 18 year old was forever gone. Now I was a married adult who hated the world, talked to no one and hated everyone.

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