Well I had to up my PIO dosage, and Friday night we realized that we only had enough for one more shot with the new dosage. Saturday morning I called my clinic in a panic, they are two and half hours away, and I know they aren’t open ALL day Saturday. So after my slight panic attack, and my nurse calling all the pharmacy’s in my area to see if I can get some more, I just said I would drive down early Sunday morning. So, this morning I got to set the alarm and head out EARLY, but they took my blood when I was there so now I don’t have to do it tomorrow and mail it over night, which means around 2pm tomorrow I’ll know how my second beta numbers are – hoping they are doubling as normal.
And here comes my rant: I don’t think it’s fair that I’m not just happy. Okay, that wasn’t right, I am HAPPY, I’m ecstatic that I am BFP but I can’t quit worrying and I don’t think it’s fair. I have taken at least 7/8 pee tests at home since my blood test – why? Just to make sure I am still pregnant. What is wrong with me? I should be enjoying this moment, but I can’t. I keep telling myself after tomorrow’s blood work, if everything is okay I’ll breathe a little until after the first trimester.. I know that isn’t true but it’s a good thing to try to make myself believe. My friends and family however don’t understand me. DH thinks I’m a little crazy right now – my friends, just don’t understand and think I should just be happy. Believe me, if anyone wishes I could just be happy, it is me! I hate living with this fear that this isn’t going to work. I hate worrying every five minutes that something is wrong. I hate analyzing every little cramp. I really HATE being obsessed with looking up online other Beta numbers – Progesterone numbers – and everything else. I don’t think its fair, and I would love to be the lucky woman that just gets pregnant without thinking anything about it and doesn’t have the least fear of a problem. I envy those women. I wish my friends and family would understand that.
So till tomorrow.. .I will go on tonight in my happy, crazy, worried state of mind and continue to drive DH crazy. I tell him he wouldn’t want me any other way :)..
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Infertility, Ectopic Pregnancy and IVF
About Me
- Optimistic
- Hi, I've been married almost 10 years (will be 10 years Jan 17th, 2008), have gone through 4 ectopic pregnancies and am starting the process of IVF! We also have two kids...our dogs Andy (Maltese) & Abby (Yellow Lab).
Timeline of hell and happiness
- Mar 13, 08 - First OB - Seen baby moving around Heartbeat is 160!
- Mar 01, 08 - U/S - Seen Heartbeat!! Graduated from IVF clinic to OB
- Feb 25, 08 - Stop Progesterone Pills - no longer on any meds. Just waiting for next u/s
- Feb 14, 08 - Stop PIO, Start Oral Progesterone Pills
- Feb 14, 08 - 1st U/S - Both implanted, losing one and one looks good. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
- Feb 1, 08 - BFP BFP BFP
- Jan 21, 08 - ET - 5 fertilized, only two made it to day three - two transferred
- Jan 18, 08 - ER - Only 5 eggs - Started PIO Shots
- Jan 17, 08 - HAPPY 10 YEAR ANNIVERSARY
- Jan 16, 08 - Trigger Shot tonight
- Jan 13, 08 - Now taking Antagon Shot in morning along with menupur
- Jan 12, 08 - Follie Check - only three in each ovary. Buy more menupur for three more days
- Jan 7, 08 - Start 5 vials of Menupur - FSH is now 8.1
- Jan 5, 08 - AF Arrives
- Jan 4, 08 - Hysteroscopy. Got Go ahead for IVF - Short Protocol, Menupur, 5 for 5 days
- Dec 22, 07 -Got Bad FSH results - 10.1
- Dec 11, 07 - Testing - FSH, E2, Sperm. Found Fibroid in Uterus
- Dec 10, 07 - QUIT SMOKING
- Nov 27, 07 - IVF Clinic Consult
- Oct 24, 07 - HSG
- Oct 4, 07 - Initial Consulation
- Sept 7th, 07 - Set up first RE Appointment
- 2007 - Starting IVF
- 2004 Forth Ectopic
- 2002 Third Ectopic
- 2000 Second Ectopic
- 1995 First Ectopic
Cyclesista
Secret Handshake
Infertility Thread
- What to Expect when not expecting
- My Dear Gherkin
- Impatiently Patient
- The Room of my absent child
- A Brief History of You
- Taking the Statistical Bullet
- Infertility Irony
- Mama Wannabe
- Freezer Buns.....
- Speculum Stories
- Wishing 4 a Baby
- Cycle Sistas
- Love will tear us
- Joy of IVF
- The History of Infertility
5 comments:
We all understand.
I haven't been there (yet!), but I'm positive I will feel the exact same way. After dealing with disappointment after disappointment, I think it's normal to worry that something else will go wrong.
Be easy on yourself.
This truly is the toughest time and I get that it's hard to relax so I won't tell you to do that. What I'll say instead is that I really hope things go smoothly for you and that your numbers continue to rise steadily.
Breathing is good so try to do it ok!
I've been there...I'm in week 10 of over-analyzing, worrying, and driving everyone nuts...people tell me it will get easier, but I still have my doubts. For now, relish in the fact that it worked and soon you'll be too tired to think about it too much!
I'm not in your position yet, but I know I'll feel the same way. Infertility stripped us of our easy, happy, carefree, pregnancies.
Hang in there and know you're not alone.
I haven't yet been in your situation, but if I was pregnant I *know* I would be POAS every day, just to check! I would be happy but worried for quite a while. I think this is a very natural response for anyone who has struggled with infertility.
Your *aren't* crazy at all, and it's easy for others to say 'just be happy!' when they haven't been through all you have been through! I guess it's like people who think if we all just 'relaxed' we'd be popping out kids with no problem - they just don't understand.
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