Well I had to up my PIO dosage, and Friday night we realized that we only had enough for one more shot with the new dosage. Saturday morning I called my clinic in a panic, they are two and half hours away, and I know they aren’t open ALL day Saturday. So after my slight panic attack, and my nurse calling all the pharmacy’s in my area to see if I can get some more, I just said I would drive down early Sunday morning. So, this morning I got to set the alarm and head out EARLY, but they took my blood when I was there so now I don’t have to do it tomorrow and mail it over night, which means around 2pm tomorrow I’ll know how my second beta numbers are – hoping they are doubling as normal.
And here comes my rant: I don’t think it’s fair that I’m not just happy. Okay, that wasn’t right, I am HAPPY, I’m ecstatic that I am BFP but I can’t quit worrying and I don’t think it’s fair. I have taken at least 7/8 pee tests at home since my blood test – why? Just to make sure I am still pregnant. What is wrong with me? I should be enjoying this moment, but I can’t. I keep telling myself after tomorrow’s blood work, if everything is okay I’ll breathe a little until after the first trimester.. I know that isn’t true but it’s a good thing to try to make myself believe. My friends and family however don’t understand me. DH thinks I’m a little crazy right now – my friends, just don’t understand and think I should just be happy. Believe me, if anyone wishes I could just be happy, it is me! I hate living with this fear that this isn’t going to work. I hate worrying every five minutes that something is wrong. I hate analyzing every little cramp. I really HATE being obsessed with looking up online other Beta numbers – Progesterone numbers – and everything else. I don’t think its fair, and I would love to be the lucky woman that just gets pregnant without thinking anything about it and doesn’t have the least fear of a problem. I envy those women. I wish my friends and family would understand that.
So till tomorrow.. .I will go on tonight in my happy, crazy, worried state of mind and continue to drive DH crazy. I tell him he wouldn’t want me any other way :)..