Sunday, February 3, 2008


Well I had to up my PIO dosage, and Friday night we realized that we only had enough for one more shot with the new dosage. Saturday morning I called my clinic in a panic, they are two and half hours away, and I know they aren’t open ALL day Saturday. So after my slight panic attack, and my nurse calling all the pharmacy’s in my area to see if I can get some more, I just said I would drive down early Sunday morning. So, this morning I got to set the alarm and head out EARLY, but they took my blood when I was there so now I don’t have to do it tomorrow and mail it over night, which means around 2pm tomorrow I’ll know how my second beta numbers are – hoping they are doubling as normal.

And here comes my rant: I don’t think it’s fair that I’m not just happy. Okay, that wasn’t right, I am HAPPY, I’m ecstatic that I am BFP but I can’t quit worrying and I don’t think it’s fair. I have taken at least 7/8 pee tests at home since my blood test – why? Just to make sure I am still pregnant. What is wrong with me? I should be enjoying this moment, but I can’t. I keep telling myself after tomorrow’s blood work, if everything is okay I’ll breathe a little until after the first trimester.. I know that isn’t true but it’s a good thing to try to make myself believe. My friends and family however don’t understand me. DH thinks I’m a little crazy right now – my friends, just don’t understand and think I should just be happy. Believe me, if anyone wishes I could just be happy, it is me! I hate living with this fear that this isn’t going to work. I hate worrying every five minutes that something is wrong. I hate analyzing every little cramp. I really HATE being obsessed with looking up online other Beta numbers – Progesterone numbers – and everything else. I don’t think its fair, and I would love to be the lucky woman that just gets pregnant without thinking anything about it and doesn’t have the least fear of a problem. I envy those women. I wish my friends and family would understand that.

So till tomorrow.. .I will go on tonight in my happy, crazy, worried state of mind and continue to drive DH crazy. I tell him he wouldn’t want me any other way :)..


Denise said...

We all understand.

I haven't been there (yet!), but I'm positive I will feel the exact same way. After dealing with disappointment after disappointment, I think it's normal to worry that something else will go wrong.

Be easy on yourself.

Anns said...

This truly is the toughest time and I get that it's hard to relax so I won't tell you to do that. What I'll say instead is that I really hope things go smoothly for you and that your numbers continue to rise steadily.

Breathing is good so try to do it ok!

Rebecca said...

I've been there...I'm in week 10 of over-analyzing, worrying, and driving everyone nuts...people tell me it will get easier, but I still have my doubts. For now, relish in the fact that it worked and soon you'll be too tired to think about it too much!

Maria said...

I'm not in your position yet, but I know I'll feel the same way. Infertility stripped us of our easy, happy, carefree, pregnancies.

Hang in there and know you're not alone.

~Carrie said...

I haven't yet been in your situation, but if I was pregnant I *know* I would be POAS every day, just to check! I would be happy but worried for quite a while. I think this is a very natural response for anyone who has struggled with infertility.

Your *aren't* crazy at all, and it's easy for others to say 'just be happy!' when they haven't been through all you have been through! I guess it's like people who think if we all just 'relaxed' we'd be popping out kids with no problem - they just don't understand.