7w4d

Well the week as I guessed it would is going by very SLOW. I quit taking my progesterone pills but now feel like my symptoms have decreased 90%. I always thought the progesterone was what made me feel so bloated and irritable. Well it must have been because I feel like I’m deflating and my irritation level has decreased a lot. Also, my boobs don’t hurt as much. All this is scary too, I do realize that losing pregnancy symptoms can be a bad thing – but I’m not allowing myself to think that route, just thinking it was the progesterone and now that I’ve stopped it my body is acting like a normal pregnant chick (wouldn’t that be nice – NORMAL and pregnant don’t go together for me). Oh yeah - I haven't really had any more sickness either - just one bad day. Hopefully I'll get lucky and not have any - although, the more symtoms I have, the better I feel (mentally).

Well I had to drop my fur baby off at the vet this morning to get neutered. I know they do thousands everyday – but still I was so nervous about it last night that I slept on the couch with the dog! How sad is that. Then this morning I got the extra pain meds, extra blood work and of course the IV for while he is under. Can’t wait to see the bill when I pick him up.

Also last night – while watching American Idol with my dog on my lap, I cried over a boy singing. OK – this is getting bad when I cry over someone singing. Glad DH is out of town, he would have thought I lost my mind – not to mention that he would have made fun of me for sleeping on the couch and not being able to sleep cuz I was afraid I was going to drop my dog off in the morning and he would never wake up. If how I treat my dogs are any indication on how my kids will be, I will have spoiled brat kids that everyone talks about ;).

7weeks

I’ve been bad on posting, good news though, I haven’t had any spotting since Tuesday. I've been spending so much time reading all my new books "what to expect when you are expecting" and "week by week, your pregnancy". I took the weekend to just relax and lay around, work has been so busy and all the worrying I’m sure hasn’t been good for me or the baby. I took my LAST progesterone pill tonight and my next u/s is Saturday. I know it’s going to be another long, slow week waiting for the weekend.

Today started my morning sickness - I have been nauseous all day long and my jeans are already too tight to wear. My sister stopped by Friday on her way from Florida to NY - she gave me some jeans that are a couple sizes larger than my norm, I thought to myself "I won't be wearing these for a while"..well, I tried them on yesterday - they fit and are a little snug! I say they are made small :)...other symptoms, VERY tired! I am so tired all the time and I am out everynight by 9 at the latest. Boobs are extremely sore and full, heartburn and headaches. I'm feeling pretty lucky though, I've heard some nightmare stories on the sickness, so far I haven't had anything to bad.

Saturday marked 7 weeks. Five more weeks to the big 12 week mark! Amazing how it took 10 years and four loses to get to this point. Saturday for some reason started a day of true happiness. I know things can still happen, but I feel like this is going to be okay and I'm going to carry this baby to term. I'm not sure what happened, but a sense of love and happiness took over and my guard went down as well as my constant fear of loss. The fear is of course still here- and I can't wait till my next u/s just to see for myself that things are ok, although letting down my guard a little and trying to think positive does feel good.

Going crazy..

Well not much going on other than spotting spotting and more spotting. It is really messing with my head and emotions. Sometimes I wait to go to the bathroom, what I don’t see is better for me, right?!? I called the dr and he still says as long as it is just a little pink when I wipe nothing to be concerned about. Bull shit I say. The spotting isn’t constant, it shows up at night and usually sticks around for a few bathroom visits, then it’s gone again. The next day I’ll be feeling good again, no spotting, just to get home that evening and wham.. effing spotting. Last night I was sick to my stomach – not from cramping or anything, just from being worried. And I know, I have read everything under the sun that says Spotting, while isn’t normal, is present in MANY first trimester pregnancy’s. Well, how are you supposed to know the difference in spotting that is no problem and a problem? And the people telling me “quit worrying, that will make it worse” okay, I would like to punch them… watch out.. I’m in a mood… haha…

Another thing that has just ruined my day - I went to get my hair trimmed - now I have LONG hair - all one length. My haircut gone bad - I now have SHORT SHORT SHORT hair - not even touching my neck with very SHORT layers all over my head. I actually cried when I seen it while I was still in the chair (emotional, maybe) ?

First Ultrasound!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday after work I headed to TN to meet DH at the hotel for our ultrasound today. Well after getting there, going to dinner and finally getting to the hotel room I went to the bathroom and there it was – a lot more pink/red then before. This time really concerned me, but after three wipes during my 1000 wipe-athon, the blood quit. So this morning, nervous as ever, we headed to the fertility clinic.

My appointment was 10:15, the first thing was blood work then I finally get called to head back to the u/s room. I am already sick to my stomach because I have been bleeding, but sitting in that room for a half hour really played with my head. I was thinking the worst and just figured I was losing my baby.

Well he finally came in and while starring at the monitor I seen it.. .I KNEW that was my baby. He pointed out everything and it was just perfect for the stage we are at. The bad news – there was a “mass” which he thinks is a second pregnancy that is miscarrying or “not viable”. This or implantation could explain the bleeding. So, even though I am sad that I am losing one of them, I am extremely happy that the other one is “just perfect”. The dr and Dh both said they could see a heart beat. I couldn’t see anything – but the next one I should be able to see the heart beat. Next appointment is March 1st .

Today I’m having very little spotting – but it is still freaking me out even though he told me not to worry unless I have “period like bleeding”. I just can’t wait until everything is okay and I can quit worrying, I figured that would be in about 9 months…

Best news - I'm off PIO shots as of today, I start oral pills tonight for the next two weeks. Blood work came back today and my Progesterone was greater than 40 and beta is 4533.

Home finally..

Well I’ve been out of town at a conference and boy am I tired! I realized a couple things this trip: Conferences just aren’t nearly as much fun when there is no drinking and staying out until 11pm just seem crazy to me now, I was exhausted by the time I got to my room at 11 last night. But, I did make it through the three nights of shooting myself, I am now a pro I think. Tonight is the last night and then DH will be home from his conference.

We also have TWO days until the u/s. I am so excited. Last night I had a very little bit of pink in my cm – it totally freaked me out and I went to the bathroom about 100 times to check again. Nothing has been there since that very little bit that I seen. Not sure what it was, but just that little bit had me worried and feeling sick to my stomach. So now I’m more anxious then ever to get to the u/s on Thursday. Besides that, I haven’t had anything bad, no bleeding or bad cramping so I’m hoping everything is fine.

The two biggest symptoms I have is being extremely tired and headaches. The headaches are tolerable thank god, but I feel like I could sleep all day long sometimes.

And last but not least, a “quote of the day” that my friend sent me today….

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens. Circumstances and situations do color life, but you have been given the mind to choose what the color shall be. ~John Homer Miller~

Ramblings

I was thinking, it’s a good thing I didn’t have to get any more beta tests because I would drive myself crazy analyzing the “doubling” and numbers. BUT, I now have nothing to do but wait until the u/s. I haven’t had anything to do this week and I’ve been fine because work has been so busy by the time I get home I’ve been eating and going to bed. But then today, today I started freaking out think “why are my boobs no longer tender, why don’t I have cramps, WHY don’t I feel pregnant”. I almost stopped and bought a HPT on the way home, but then I thought that was just crazy seeing I can’t do anything until the u/s on Thursday. Holy crap, and I thought the 2ww was bad on me, I feel just as crazy right now.

In other news – I DID it! I shot myself right in the rump tonight. Makes me kind of laugh at the big deal I’ve been making about it.

Also, I’m feeling really sad for all the bad news going around. The BFNs and other devastating events. It makes me feel really bad for everyone, and I just don’t think it’s fair. It’s bad enough that people have to go through fertility treatments, for things not to work is just devastating. My heart goes out to everyone right now struggling with their bad news.

Chicken Shit..

Yep, that's me. Tonight I was going to try and give myself the PIO shot.... didn't happen. I got all the main ingredients together - needles, alcohol, drugs - you know, all the good stuff. After filling the syringe I went to the back bedroom. First try - sitting on the dresser in front of large mirror. Nope, not enough top space to cross legs without falling off flat on my face. Strike One. Moved to bed, headboard has a mirror. Put pillows up, laid down, and crossed a leg with ass towards mirror. Strike Two. Couldn't do it. Moved onto full length mirror. Stood there in front of it, at this point had DH make a big circle for me - I couldn't do it! I could not see myself sticking that needle into me!!! With DH doing it, I don't have to see it. So, I ended up yelling to DH to come do it. Strike three! I have three more nights to try before I go out of town and have to. I didn't think it would be this hard. I'm a chicken shit, that is all there is to it. I know once I'm alone and HAVE to do it, I'm going to. I just wish I could now before I get into that predicament of HAVING to do it. Arggg..

Other than that, I am having an uneventful week. Just working a LOT of hours and trying to catch up from being out during all the appointments. My next appointment is going to be here before I know it!

Dillema

I’m having a problem – next Sunday I leave for a conference for work and DH leaves for a conference for his work so that means I’m on my own from Sun – Thurs to give myself my PIO shot. Has anyone ever given themselves one in the thigh? Any advice if you have? I’m scared as shit!!!! If I don’t give myself this shot, I have to find someone at the conference to do it (and I really don’t feel like asking a stranger to come shoot me up in the rear)! Soooo… any advice on the thigh?

Double Time!

I just got the call - my HCG Beta is doubling as it should. New Number - 89.3. I asked the nurse when she called why my numbers seem low compared to others that I read online - she told me to quit reading and that my numbers are progressing as they should! So... with that, I'm going to TRY not to worry so much and read into other "higher" numbers... Second - my Progesterone is.... 30.1 now! yeahhhh :)... I was happy with that. Big jump from the 13 number that I had previously.

First Ultrasound - OMG - I can't believe I am having an ultrasound!!! Feb 14th at 10:00am!!

Crazy

Well I had to up my PIO dosage, and Friday night we realized that we only had enough for one more shot with the new dosage. Saturday morning I called my clinic in a panic, they are two and half hours away, and I know they aren’t open ALL day Saturday. So after my slight panic attack, and my nurse calling all the pharmacy’s in my area to see if I can get some more, I just said I would drive down early Sunday morning. So, this morning I got to set the alarm and head out EARLY, but they took my blood when I was there so now I don’t have to do it tomorrow and mail it over night, which means around 2pm tomorrow I’ll know how my second beta numbers are – hoping they are doubling as normal.

And here comes my rant: I don’t think it’s fair that I’m not just happy. Okay, that wasn’t right, I am HAPPY, I’m ecstatic that I am BFP but I can’t quit worrying and I don’t think it’s fair. I have taken at least 7/8 pee tests at home since my blood test – why? Just to make sure I am still pregnant. What is wrong with me? I should be enjoying this moment, but I can’t. I keep telling myself after tomorrow’s blood work, if everything is okay I’ll breathe a little until after the first trimester.. I know that isn’t true but it’s a good thing to try to make myself believe. My friends and family however don’t understand me. DH thinks I’m a little crazy right now – my friends, just don’t understand and think I should just be happy. Believe me, if anyone wishes I could just be happy, it is me! I hate living with this fear that this isn’t going to work. I hate worrying every five minutes that something is wrong. I hate analyzing every little cramp. I really HATE being obsessed with looking up online other Beta numbers – Progesterone numbers – and everything else. I don’t think its fair, and I would love to be the lucky woman that just gets pregnant without thinking anything about it and doesn’t have the least fear of a problem. I envy those women. I wish my friends and family would understand that.

So till tomorrow.. .I will go on tonight in my happy, crazy, worried state of mind and continue to drive DH crazy. I tell him he wouldn’t want me any other way :)..

I've been tagged...

Okay, Maria. Here you go.The rules to the game:

1) Link to the person that tagged you
.2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!Six non-important/random things about me:

It took me a while to get this done, I was a slacker yesterday :)

My Teeth! I’m 32 and still have my baby teeth!!! Yes, some people have this and just don’t have their adult teeth up in their gums, nope, not me! I have adult teeth up there waiting to come down and my baby teeth still in tact. Not all of them are still baby, but quite a few. So, one by one we are pulling the baby teeth out, cutting my gums and slowly pulling down adult teeth. Over the last 4 months we have been pulling down one adult tooth. It will be 50+ years before we are done with them all – I will not let them pull more than one tooth at a time – I’m not walking around toothless!

I LOVE love LOVE to take pictures. For Christmas I got a new professional camera that I just absolutely love, even if I’m not a professional J. I got all kinds of lens and crazy stuff with it that I’m learning how to use.. but it is so fun!

I spent four years in the Army, one whole year in Bosnia right after basic training. I was only 19 and a scared little girl. I also spent a year in Germany and had so much fun! I went to Paris, Holland, Bosnia, Hungary, OCTOBERFEST, and Amsterdam while there.. it was FUN!

I got my ears pierced at 30! For my 30th birthday I got my ears pierced, I was so scared because when I was little I had my ears pierced and they got infected and the skin grew over the earrings. My mom had to pull the earrings out. It was awful and I swore I would never get another piercing again. I finally did it at 30 – two co workers took me and held my hand. How funny it is to me now of how scared I was to get earrings!

I’m from a small town in Upstate NY. I lived there my whole life and never went to NY City until I moved AWAY from home.

I LOVE to camp. I spent my life camping growing up, and as soon as DH and I found a place here in VA, I MADE him get us in there! We spend the entire summer at the camp ground and out on the boat. It is my HAPPY place!

Okay, now I'm tagging my three: Denise, Rebecca, and Carrie. Have fun.

Confirmed!!!!!

Well, yesterday was the worst wait ever. I wasn't even thinking that I was getting my blood work done here and mailed overnight to my clinic, so even though I did the BETA yesterday, I just got the results today. The one day wait was horrible, even though I have taken 5 home tests. Anywho - Beta on 10dpt 35.4. I'm a little scared though cuz they said my progesterone is low and have upped my dose. My level is 13.7! Just something else to worry about. Thank you ALL for all your wishes! They mean so much to me and I can't wait till we're all prego together sharing our aches and pain stories!