12w1d

I finally made it to 12 weeks! What a milestone once I hit 13 weeks and am officially in my 2nd trimester! My next appointment isn't until April 15th, which seems like an eternity since my last appointment. I really miss the every two week appointments I had when I was still seeing my RE. This weeks symptom's are pretty uneventful, I'm not sick, my boobs are no longer as sore but I still feel tired all the time. I don't even have heartburn as much as I was. I guess what they say is true, you feel MUCH better after the first trimester.

Now I just wait till the next appointment. I want an u/s so bad, just to know everything is OK. I don't think I'll have one at my next appointment, I won't have another u/s until May when I find out the sex. Everything is going so sloowwww at this point.

Spotting

Thanks everyone! My self diagnosis of bed rest worked, who needs dr’s? :). Actually, by Saturday afternoon I didn’t have any spotting at all, I think I just had a slight breakdown that morning. I wonder how DH not only puts up with me, but how he hasn’t committed me into the mental ward yet! I think now how I reacted on Saturday and it was slightly C R A Z Y!!!! I think IF I didn’t go through 4 losses and had to go through IVF for this pregnancy, maybe I wouldn’t be so scared over every little thing. I think it takes away from just feeling “happy” with no fear.

I wonder if the fear will ever go away or will I be this way the whole 9 months? I wonder when I became the glass half empty kind of person rather than the glass half full… I never used to be this way. I guess I am used to disappointment, and I’m waiting for it everyday. It’s strange to explain, I’m really not saying I look forward to disappointment, I guess I just feel like preparing myself or getting ready for it and never believing things can be right. So, the spotting led me to freak out and check for all other pregnancy symptoms, and of course they were all “gone” in my mind, is just the way I’m always going to be…

11 weeks

Today is 11w and it started off with spotting. I woke up to light pink spotting when I wiped. Nothing like freaking me out first thing this morning. On top of that, I realized my boobs aren’t nearly as sore as they have been so of course I think the worse. I was crying so hard today, I’ve been lying on the couch though and haven’t had any more spotting since this morning. Bleeding is such a scary thing, I’m still scared but hoping I don’t have any more spotting. And why does it ALWAYS happen to me on weekends?!? After spending the morning reading, I see a lot of posts about people spotting light pink with nothing really “wrong” but it scares me because I was spotting pink a few weeks ago and we think that was from losing the twin. I don’t know, I’m losing my mind today. The bleeding has stopped but now I have a headache from crying, and I feel blah.

First OB appointment

Yesterday was the happiest day of my life. First, DH is out of town (unfortunately) and I had to go alone to my first OB appointment. I was fine with the whole exam and everything and then came the ultrasound. Up until this point, every u/s has been just a ball or circle, not a defined baby. Well as soon as the picture came up on the monitor, it was a baby! A baby, swimming around, arms were going everywhere, legs were kicking. The nurse was saying “wow – look, you can see the legs and everything” and the dr is saying “ isn’t he a show off, he is moving everywhere” well this entire time I am smiling and crying – but my cry is silent.. then all of a sudden, I couldn’t hold it back. I think every emotion from the time this whole IVF process started came out, I was crying so hard, the kind where you can’t catch your breath and you sound like a five year old, my whole body was shaking. It was the happiest day of my life. The nurse started crying, the student “observer” started crying and the dr. said “okay, I think you’ve got us all crying now”. The she turned the volume up and I heard the heartbeat, while he (or she) was moving all around she typed “hi mom”… and I lost it again. I cried so hard, I haven’t cried that hard in YEARS. They said alright, we’ll leave you alone so you can compose yourself… I’m in the room splashing water on my face thinking OK QUIT CRYING, and then it would start again. I think every emotion came out. I finally quit crying, the dr. came back in and we finished up and I was sent to the lap for 6.. yes SIX vials of blood to be drawn. I get out in my car, and the crying started again – then I talked to my mom – more crying – then I finally got a hold of DH – more crying… then back to work. I can honestly say I have never been so emotional or happy in my life. I have built such a barrier to emotions after each loss, I never dreamed of this feeling. I cant’ imagine how bad I’ll be next time – when I find out if it is a girl or boy.

9w1d

I have made the 9 week mark. My first OB appointment is this Thursday. I'm still in disbelief that I'm pregnant, that I have gone through IVF (and it worked) and what I've been waiting for, for so long is actually happening. On Fri a girl came up to me at work and said "your showing - I guess your pregnant". I thought, OMG - how can I be showing already!! My new obsession is to read online to find out if anyone else has gained weight during the first trimester - because my stomach really is popping out already and I don't know if its extremely bloated or what. I've read alot that petite people show early - at this point I don't really feel like I look pregnant, I feel like I look fat. Not that I'm complaining :) I did have a perfect storm of weight gaining activity though - quit smoking, fertility meds - now pregnancy. I guess i should just live with the fact that I've gained this much weight. I guess I'll find out exactly how much weight at my appointment Thursday. The fun though - SHOPPING. DH and I spent the entire day Saturday shopping for clothes that fit me. I haven't gone to the maternity clothes yet, I just bought pants (two sizes larger than my norm) and bought some large shirts. My medium and small shirts look ridiculous on me now - especially in the boob area.

As for 9 week symptoms - my new addition to the same - tired, sore boobs, and heart burn is CRYING. I've started crying twice about things I would never cry about before. Both times when DH was joking around with me. The first day he felt so bad, the second time he just said "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean for you to take that wrong" and I proceeded to laugh while I cried saying "I really don't know why I'm crying". The craziness isn't just beginning - it's just getting a little more crazy :). What fun.

8weeks!

Today was a great day - I seen the heartbeat and everything is going okay. I also have graduated to my own OB. That's a bittersweet feeling. It was sad leaving the clinic today knowing I would never go back, and thinking about what that place has done for me - it helped give me something I have been longing for since 1995 when I had my first ectopic.

Symptoms for the week - Still tired, boobs still very sore and bad heart burn. No real sickness this week (although, I'm not complaining about that one) ;).

I am officially pregnant! I still can't believe it.