Speechless...

1 more day until Beta and I broke down and picked up a couple tests today... guess what! BFP... very faint but it is there! I'm going to take another one in the morning before heading to the lab. DH and I were crying, hugging - I'm just so excited. I PRAY I continue to get BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wasn't going to POAS at all, but DH talked me into it. I HOPE this isn't false hope, but I'm enjoying it anyway. I'm so happy. Alright, I'm getting off here and enjoying the FIRST night of not obsessing and researching online all night!

3 more days

3 more days to beta. Wow, last week I was irritable, had horrible cramps and my breasts were sore. Not to mention it felt like the week would NEVER end. Strange enough though, this week, no cramp, breasts no longer sore and I'm not stressed. I think this week is easier because I'm not feeling so cramping and wondering or thinking the worst! I'm not sure if what I felt was side effects from PIO shots or something else, but it was like having PMS times 100! It was great to wake up not feeling that way anymore. I don't know why...

So anyways, three more days! I am so excited! I can't wait and am crossing fingers and toes for a BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something to pass the time...

Thanks Denise! She game me something to do during my crazy 2ww!! and this did take up a lot of time and was FUN. I need some more of these little games. Anyway, this is from her early Jan post, where they play this “at – bat” song game. See her post here: http://freezerbuns.blogspot.com/2008/01/at-bat-songs.html

I chose all my “at bat” songs for each stage…what are yours?

1. Song when receiving and opening that huge box of medication: Don’t Worry, Be Happy
2. Song for Lupron: Great Balls of Fire - Jerry Lewis
3. Song when preparing for an injection: She's a Brickhouse
4. Song when going in for a wanding: Come on ride the train, ride it, woo woo, come on, ride the train, it’s the choo choo train…
5. Song when getting blood drawn: Danger Zone - Kenny Loggins
6. Song for day of ER: Eye of the Tiger
7. Song for day of transfer: You're Still The One – Shania Twain
8. Song for 2ww: Fly Like an Eagle, Steve Miller
9. Song for receiving results of beta: Miracle by Bon Jovi
10. Picking yourself up off the floor when recovering from a negative beta or cancelled cycle: I’m hoping I won’t have this – but if I do: Glory Baby, by Watermark
11. Celebrating a positive beta: Celllabrate Good Times COME ON!! Kool & The Gang!
12. Waiting between first positive beta and first ultrasound: We are the Chapions

time slowly clicking.....

Holy hell I am officially a crazy woman! This 2WW is REALLY as bad as everyone says. I just had the transfer Monday… it’s ONLY EFFING FRIDAY! This has been the slowest week of my life! I seriously think I’m going crazy. I read different message boards almost 24/7 now. I want to know what every feeling is, every twinge, every headache… I need help! ….

This truly is the worst part of this whole process. The not knowing is awful. How many times can one ask themselves if it is going to work. Sure it would be easier to just wait it out and think positive, and if someone can do that I admire them! I can’t usually make it a few hours without thinking about what is going on. To top it all off, I have cramps that feel like period cramps, I’m irritable, and I’m not very friendly right now. I have been soo bad at work this week that I even got an email from the CEO of our company that my “harsh language” needed to stop. Besides the fact that it pissed me off more when I seen it, it did make me realize that I am taking a lot of this out on my employees and co-workers and the weekend will do me good. I think I’m going to have a nice weekend of doing absolutely nothing! I would love to take a long hot bath, but then again, on one of my googling journey’s I read that not to take a bath after transfer.. so of course, I most likely will NOT take my long hot bath.

I’m hoping the irritatability, cramps and BIG sore boobs are side effects of the PIO – another googling adventure I have spent MANY hours reading about. If I can make it through the weekend… I can officially change from 2WW to 1WW J…. And perhaps I will be a nicer person again next week.

2WW

Seriously, what are you supposed to do during this time other than wait and wait and wait. Its only been since Monday. Three freakin days and I'm going out of my mind. I just want to be at that point where I know it worked. I keep thinking if I can just get through this week, next week won't be so bad (yeah right).

Tonight was so strange. DH is out of town, so he called his best friend and asked if he could stop by and give me my PIO shot. So at exact 7 he showed up and for some odd reason it was so uncomfortable standing in my kitchen, pants pulled down a little for him to shoot me up in the rear hip area. I think he was just as uncomfortable because he came in, shot me up, and left. I called DH and said, ok that was the weirdest thing ever, he said "why" it wasn't like you two were meeting to do anything other than get a shot. Call me crazy, but I just have never pictured myself standing in my kitchen alone with his best friend with my pants pulled down a little bit with him shooting me up in the ass! This is just another mark I can put on my "i can't believe I'm doing this"...

Breath.....

We did ET today!!!!

I only had 5 eggs after ER - 5 fertilized but 1 never developed after the first day, 2 were fertilized by two sperm which left us with 2 perfect embies for today's transfer. Talk about cutting it close!

I heard from the clinic on Sat that we had fertilization, but they didn't tell me any numbers to avoid any false hope. So Sunday was a LONG day just waiting for today. Our appointment was 11:45, we ended up sitting in the waiting room for well over a half hour and I started thinking the worst. I thought they must not have made it, anxiety was at an all time high. The whole time in the waiting room I was holding back tears. They finally called us and brought us back to one of the "relaxing" rooms that we were in before we did ER. This is when I started to freak out! I thought for sure I had nothing for transfer. Finally egg lady (embryologist) came in...she started off with... well all five fertilized but... my stomach fell and she went into the details on the eggs that didn't make it. Then she said, would you like to see a picture of the two perfect embryos that we will be transferring today? I can't tell you how I felt, I had the biggest smile and I couldn't quit staring at the picture. Two little embies.... then on to the ET, which by the way is a piece of cake! Once she said, okay, you now how embryos in you and they all left the room I started crying harder than I ever have. It is such a relief to make it to this point. We don't get the opportunity to live by the month or even the week when going through ivf, it seems we live day to day with milestone after milestone. But I've made it this far... now into the 2ww!

Last but not least - the progesterone shot doesn't hurt at all. My stomach shots hurt worse than this one, although DH either rubs it in his hands for a half hour or I stick it in my bra to warm it up some before we do it.. Not sure if it helps, but I haven't had a problem with it - no sting, burn etc. The needle makes me jump when it first goes in but then I don't even feel it.

The last three days...

First the trigger – Wednesday I was dreading this shot ALL day. The needle was bigger, and I had a big circle right on my hip muscle for DH to give it to me. The trigger was at 11pm. I know how important this shot is so from the time I get out of work until 10:30 I watch the clock.

Finally, 10:30 I say to DH, alright, let’s go up and get the syringe ready. So up we go – 10:45 the syringe is ready, I lean over the table and stare at it and say “ok, we’ll just wait here till 11”. I look at DH and if you could have seen his face. He was looking at me like I had finally lost it! He said, I don’t know about you, but I’m going back downstairs for 15 mins. As serious as ever I said “no, this has to be done at 11pm exactly”! Again, he looks at me and says… with a concern in his voice..yes, I understand sweetie, but it takes us less than 1 min to walk up the stairs. (he had to have thought I was nuts!) So I say fine, let’s go downstairs. I carry the phone with me, and start a count down looking at the time on the phone. I start yelling out “10 MINUTES” .. “9 MINUTES”. “7 MINUTES”...etc. I kept getting a look from DH but he never did say a thing! So 11 we’re back upstairs to get the shot. I felt it go in, but did NOT feel it at all. Not bad at all.

Next morning, I’m on the phone with my sister telling her about the night before. All of a sudden it hits me how ridiculous I was and I start laughing so hard that I can’t stop. My sister and I laughed for about an hour. DH must have seriously thought I had LOST my mind. Thinking of that shows just how crazy some people can get going through this..and that was my moment! My proud CRAZY moment!


Thursday – 1/17 – HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!! We’ve made it 10 years!! Our IVF clinic is 2 and a half hours away, so we go get a hotel not even 5 mins from the clinic because ER is tomorrow!! So excited!! We get to the hotel at 8 after a nice dinner, I’m asleep by 9! My hip is now sore from the trigger shot. Do not touch that area, it doesn’t feel too good!

Friday – 11/18 – ER day! We get to the clinic 15 mins before my 8am appointment. Surprise Surprise with me the anal "time" person lately. We are taken back to “our room”. It’s the room that we will have for the day, a futon for me to lay on, and reclining chair for DH. It’s a nice room, but it’s cold! Anyway, 1st – another hip shot, this time the anti biotic – then I got two pills, for pain. Then comes the good stuff… nurse comes in with a small pill like thing, I have to put it under my tongue to dissolve and it is supposed to help me relax. Right after this the best nurse ever is in there talking to me, they take DH away for his contribution and I start to fall asleep. They wake me up to take yet another one of those awesome little dissolving pills… well that’s it for me folks. If you have ever gotten drunk and forgot the night before except for small bits and pieces or if someone says something and you can kind of remember it.. well if you know that feeling that is the EXACT feeling I have from yesterday. I don’t remember crap. I slightly remember being in the er room, but I don’t remember the pain or what it felt like at all. Next thing I remember is being wheeled out to the curb, getting in the car and then waking up about 8pm last night. I remember eating a sandwich and that’s it. I woke up at 7am this morning feeling awesome! Unfortunately, I have to wait for DH to wake up to find out all the details, I’ll post them later. Hoping there were some decent eggs …. But if nothing else, I got a “trip” of a lifetime ha. I need some more of that good shit! Wild. Hopefully I'll have egg details later...(or we can time how long it takes me to wake him up cuz I can't wait any longer)...