Ramblings

I was thinking, it’s a good thing I didn’t have to get any more beta tests because I would drive myself crazy analyzing the “doubling” and numbers. BUT, I now have nothing to do but wait until the u/s. I haven’t had anything to do this week and I’ve been fine because work has been so busy by the time I get home I’ve been eating and going to bed. But then today, today I started freaking out think “why are my boobs no longer tender, why don’t I have cramps, WHY don’t I feel pregnant”. I almost stopped and bought a HPT on the way home, but then I thought that was just crazy seeing I can’t do anything until the u/s on Thursday. Holy crap, and I thought the 2ww was bad on me, I feel just as crazy right now.

In other news – I DID it! I shot myself right in the rump tonight. Makes me kind of laugh at the big deal I’ve been making about it.

Also, I’m feeling really sad for all the bad news going around. The BFNs and other devastating events. It makes me feel really bad for everyone, and I just don’t think it’s fair. It’s bad enough that people have to go through fertility treatments, for things not to work is just devastating. My heart goes out to everyone right now struggling with their bad news.

Chicken Shit..

Yep, that's me. Tonight I was going to try and give myself the PIO shot.... didn't happen. I got all the main ingredients together - needles, alcohol, drugs - you know, all the good stuff. After filling the syringe I went to the back bedroom. First try - sitting on the dresser in front of large mirror. Nope, not enough top space to cross legs without falling off flat on my face. Strike One. Moved to bed, headboard has a mirror. Put pillows up, laid down, and crossed a leg with ass towards mirror. Strike Two. Couldn't do it. Moved onto full length mirror. Stood there in front of it, at this point had DH make a big circle for me - I couldn't do it! I could not see myself sticking that needle into me!!! With DH doing it, I don't have to see it. So, I ended up yelling to DH to come do it. Strike three! I have three more nights to try before I go out of town and have to. I didn't think it would be this hard. I'm a chicken shit, that is all there is to it. I know once I'm alone and HAVE to do it, I'm going to. I just wish I could now before I get into that predicament of HAVING to do it. Arggg..

Other than that, I am having an uneventful week. Just working a LOT of hours and trying to catch up from being out during all the appointments. My next appointment is going to be here before I know it!

Dillema

I’m having a problem – next Sunday I leave for a conference for work and DH leaves for a conference for his work so that means I’m on my own from Sun – Thurs to give myself my PIO shot. Has anyone ever given themselves one in the thigh? Any advice if you have? I’m scared as shit!!!! If I don’t give myself this shot, I have to find someone at the conference to do it (and I really don’t feel like asking a stranger to come shoot me up in the rear)! Soooo… any advice on the thigh?

Double Time!

I just got the call - my HCG Beta is doubling as it should. New Number - 89.3. I asked the nurse when she called why my numbers seem low compared to others that I read online - she told me to quit reading and that my numbers are progressing as they should! So... with that, I'm going to TRY not to worry so much and read into other "higher" numbers... Second - my Progesterone is.... 30.1 now! yeahhhh :)... I was happy with that. Big jump from the 13 number that I had previously.

First Ultrasound - OMG - I can't believe I am having an ultrasound!!! Feb 14th at 10:00am!!

Crazy

Well I had to up my PIO dosage, and Friday night we realized that we only had enough for one more shot with the new dosage. Saturday morning I called my clinic in a panic, they are two and half hours away, and I know they aren’t open ALL day Saturday. So after my slight panic attack, and my nurse calling all the pharmacy’s in my area to see if I can get some more, I just said I would drive down early Sunday morning. So, this morning I got to set the alarm and head out EARLY, but they took my blood when I was there so now I don’t have to do it tomorrow and mail it over night, which means around 2pm tomorrow I’ll know how my second beta numbers are – hoping they are doubling as normal.

And here comes my rant: I don’t think it’s fair that I’m not just happy. Okay, that wasn’t right, I am HAPPY, I’m ecstatic that I am BFP but I can’t quit worrying and I don’t think it’s fair. I have taken at least 7/8 pee tests at home since my blood test – why? Just to make sure I am still pregnant. What is wrong with me? I should be enjoying this moment, but I can’t. I keep telling myself after tomorrow’s blood work, if everything is okay I’ll breathe a little until after the first trimester.. I know that isn’t true but it’s a good thing to try to make myself believe. My friends and family however don’t understand me. DH thinks I’m a little crazy right now – my friends, just don’t understand and think I should just be happy. Believe me, if anyone wishes I could just be happy, it is me! I hate living with this fear that this isn’t going to work. I hate worrying every five minutes that something is wrong. I hate analyzing every little cramp. I really HATE being obsessed with looking up online other Beta numbers – Progesterone numbers – and everything else. I don’t think its fair, and I would love to be the lucky woman that just gets pregnant without thinking anything about it and doesn’t have the least fear of a problem. I envy those women. I wish my friends and family would understand that.

So till tomorrow.. .I will go on tonight in my happy, crazy, worried state of mind and continue to drive DH crazy. I tell him he wouldn’t want me any other way :)..

Confirmed!!!!!

Well, yesterday was the worst wait ever. I wasn't even thinking that I was getting my blood work done here and mailed overnight to my clinic, so even though I did the BETA yesterday, I just got the results today. The one day wait was horrible, even though I have taken 5 home tests. Anywho - Beta on 10dpt 35.4. I'm a little scared though cuz they said my progesterone is low and have upped my dose. My level is 13.7! Just something else to worry about. Thank you ALL for all your wishes! They mean so much to me and I can't wait till we're all prego together sharing our aches and pain stories!

Speechless...

1 more day until Beta and I broke down and picked up a couple tests today... guess what! BFP... very faint but it is there! I'm going to take another one in the morning before heading to the lab. DH and I were crying, hugging - I'm just so excited. I PRAY I continue to get BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wasn't going to POAS at all, but DH talked me into it. I HOPE this isn't false hope, but I'm enjoying it anyway. I'm so happy. Alright, I'm getting off here and enjoying the FIRST night of not obsessing and researching online all night!

3 more days

3 more days to beta. Wow, last week I was irritable, had horrible cramps and my breasts were sore. Not to mention it felt like the week would NEVER end. Strange enough though, this week, no cramp, breasts no longer sore and I'm not stressed. I think this week is easier because I'm not feeling so cramping and wondering or thinking the worst! I'm not sure if what I felt was side effects from PIO shots or something else, but it was like having PMS times 100! It was great to wake up not feeling that way anymore. I don't know why...

So anyways, three more days! I am so excited! I can't wait and am crossing fingers and toes for a BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something to pass the time...

Thanks Denise! She game me something to do during my crazy 2ww!! and this did take up a lot of time and was FUN. I need some more of these little games. Anyway, this is from her early Jan post, where they play this “at – bat” song game. See her post here: http://freezerbuns.blogspot.com/2008/01/at-bat-songs.html

I chose all my “at bat” songs for each stage…what are yours?

1. Song when receiving and opening that huge box of medication: Don’t Worry, Be Happy
2. Song for Lupron: Great Balls of Fire - Jerry Lewis
3. Song when preparing for an injection: She's a Brickhouse
4. Song when going in for a wanding: Come on ride the train, ride it, woo woo, come on, ride the train, it’s the choo choo train…
5. Song when getting blood drawn: Danger Zone - Kenny Loggins
6. Song for day of ER: Eye of the Tiger
7. Song for day of transfer: You're Still The One – Shania Twain
8. Song for 2ww: Fly Like an Eagle, Steve Miller
9. Song for receiving results of beta: Miracle by Bon Jovi
10. Picking yourself up off the floor when recovering from a negative beta or cancelled cycle: I’m hoping I won’t have this – but if I do: Glory Baby, by Watermark
11. Celebrating a positive beta: Celllabrate Good Times COME ON!! Kool & The Gang!
12. Waiting between first positive beta and first ultrasound: We are the Chapions

time slowly clicking.....

Holy hell I am officially a crazy woman! This 2WW is REALLY as bad as everyone says. I just had the transfer Monday… it’s ONLY EFFING FRIDAY! This has been the slowest week of my life! I seriously think I’m going crazy. I read different message boards almost 24/7 now. I want to know what every feeling is, every twinge, every headache… I need help! ….

This truly is the worst part of this whole process. The not knowing is awful. How many times can one ask themselves if it is going to work. Sure it would be easier to just wait it out and think positive, and if someone can do that I admire them! I can’t usually make it a few hours without thinking about what is going on. To top it all off, I have cramps that feel like period cramps, I’m irritable, and I’m not very friendly right now. I have been soo bad at work this week that I even got an email from the CEO of our company that my “harsh language” needed to stop. Besides the fact that it pissed me off more when I seen it, it did make me realize that I am taking a lot of this out on my employees and co-workers and the weekend will do me good. I think I’m going to have a nice weekend of doing absolutely nothing! I would love to take a long hot bath, but then again, on one of my googling journey’s I read that not to take a bath after transfer.. so of course, I most likely will NOT take my long hot bath.

I’m hoping the irritatability, cramps and BIG sore boobs are side effects of the PIO – another googling adventure I have spent MANY hours reading about. If I can make it through the weekend… I can officially change from 2WW to 1WW J…. And perhaps I will be a nicer person again next week.

2WW

Seriously, what are you supposed to do during this time other than wait and wait and wait. Its only been since Monday. Three freakin days and I'm going out of my mind. I just want to be at that point where I know it worked. I keep thinking if I can just get through this week, next week won't be so bad (yeah right).

Tonight was so strange. DH is out of town, so he called his best friend and asked if he could stop by and give me my PIO shot. So at exact 7 he showed up and for some odd reason it was so uncomfortable standing in my kitchen, pants pulled down a little for him to shoot me up in the rear hip area. I think he was just as uncomfortable because he came in, shot me up, and left. I called DH and said, ok that was the weirdest thing ever, he said "why" it wasn't like you two were meeting to do anything other than get a shot. Call me crazy, but I just have never pictured myself standing in my kitchen alone with his best friend with my pants pulled down a little bit with him shooting me up in the ass! This is just another mark I can put on my "i can't believe I'm doing this"...

Breath.....

We did ET today!!!!

I only had 5 eggs after ER - 5 fertilized but 1 never developed after the first day, 2 were fertilized by two sperm which left us with 2 perfect embies for today's transfer. Talk about cutting it close!

I heard from the clinic on Sat that we had fertilization, but they didn't tell me any numbers to avoid any false hope. So Sunday was a LONG day just waiting for today. Our appointment was 11:45, we ended up sitting in the waiting room for well over a half hour and I started thinking the worst. I thought they must not have made it, anxiety was at an all time high. The whole time in the waiting room I was holding back tears. They finally called us and brought us back to one of the "relaxing" rooms that we were in before we did ER. This is when I started to freak out! I thought for sure I had nothing for transfer. Finally egg lady (embryologist) came in...she started off with... well all five fertilized but... my stomach fell and she went into the details on the eggs that didn't make it. Then she said, would you like to see a picture of the two perfect embryos that we will be transferring today? I can't tell you how I felt, I had the biggest smile and I couldn't quit staring at the picture. Two little embies.... then on to the ET, which by the way is a piece of cake! Once she said, okay, you now how embryos in you and they all left the room I started crying harder than I ever have. It is such a relief to make it to this point. We don't get the opportunity to live by the month or even the week when going through ivf, it seems we live day to day with milestone after milestone. But I've made it this far... now into the 2ww!

Last but not least - the progesterone shot doesn't hurt at all. My stomach shots hurt worse than this one, although DH either rubs it in his hands for a half hour or I stick it in my bra to warm it up some before we do it.. Not sure if it helps, but I haven't had a problem with it - no sting, burn etc. The needle makes me jump when it first goes in but then I don't even feel it.

The last three days...

First the trigger – Wednesday I was dreading this shot ALL day. The needle was bigger, and I had a big circle right on my hip muscle for DH to give it to me. The trigger was at 11pm. I know how important this shot is so from the time I get out of work until 10:30 I watch the clock.

Finally, 10:30 I say to DH, alright, let’s go up and get the syringe ready. So up we go – 10:45 the syringe is ready, I lean over the table and stare at it and say “ok, we’ll just wait here till 11”. I look at DH and if you could have seen his face. He was looking at me like I had finally lost it! He said, I don’t know about you, but I’m going back downstairs for 15 mins. As serious as ever I said “no, this has to be done at 11pm exactly”! Again, he looks at me and says… with a concern in his voice..yes, I understand sweetie, but it takes us less than 1 min to walk up the stairs. (he had to have thought I was nuts!) So I say fine, let’s go downstairs. I carry the phone with me, and start a count down looking at the time on the phone. I start yelling out “10 MINUTES” .. “9 MINUTES”. “7 MINUTES”...etc. I kept getting a look from DH but he never did say a thing! So 11 we’re back upstairs to get the shot. I felt it go in, but did NOT feel it at all. Not bad at all.

Next morning, I’m on the phone with my sister telling her about the night before. All of a sudden it hits me how ridiculous I was and I start laughing so hard that I can’t stop. My sister and I laughed for about an hour. DH must have seriously thought I had LOST my mind. Thinking of that shows just how crazy some people can get going through this..and that was my moment! My proud CRAZY moment!


Thursday – 1/17 – HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!! We’ve made it 10 years!! Our IVF clinic is 2 and a half hours away, so we go get a hotel not even 5 mins from the clinic because ER is tomorrow!! So excited!! We get to the hotel at 8 after a nice dinner, I’m asleep by 9! My hip is now sore from the trigger shot. Do not touch that area, it doesn’t feel too good!

Friday – 11/18 – ER day! We get to the clinic 15 mins before my 8am appointment. Surprise Surprise with me the anal "time" person lately. We are taken back to “our room”. It’s the room that we will have for the day, a futon for me to lay on, and reclining chair for DH. It’s a nice room, but it’s cold! Anyway, 1st – another hip shot, this time the anti biotic – then I got two pills, for pain. Then comes the good stuff… nurse comes in with a small pill like thing, I have to put it under my tongue to dissolve and it is supposed to help me relax. Right after this the best nurse ever is in there talking to me, they take DH away for his contribution and I start to fall asleep. They wake me up to take yet another one of those awesome little dissolving pills… well that’s it for me folks. If you have ever gotten drunk and forgot the night before except for small bits and pieces or if someone says something and you can kind of remember it.. well if you know that feeling that is the EXACT feeling I have from yesterday. I don’t remember crap. I slightly remember being in the er room, but I don’t remember the pain or what it felt like at all. Next thing I remember is being wheeled out to the curb, getting in the car and then waking up about 8pm last night. I remember eating a sandwich and that’s it. I woke up at 7am this morning feeling awesome! Unfortunately, I have to wait for DH to wake up to find out all the details, I’ll post them later. Hoping there were some decent eggs …. But if nothing else, I got a “trip” of a lifetime ha. I need some more of that good shit! Wild. Hopefully I'll have egg details later...(or we can time how long it takes me to wake him up cuz I can't wait any longer)...

It's a go..

Went this morning for the last u/s, bw before the ER. Everything is a go for Friday. They used a pen to make a big circle on the upper part of my rear end for the trigger shot tonight, at 11pm! DH is excited about using a bigger needle on me... i think he has far too much fun shooting me up. haha (just kidding!)

I am extremely nervous about the ER, especially because it's done in the clinic and I'm not put to sleep. So today I expressed my concerns and the nurse sat in the room with DH and I for a long time going through the whole process. The meds that I will be on are apparently so good that I won't even remember anything about the ER. That's all I needed to hear! I'll be awake, but out of it. They said I will sleep all day afterwards and Saturday I will have to ask DH about everything. He is going to be in the room with me.

Now I am EXCITED. Everything seems to be happening so fast now. The whole time we were discussing ET my eyes kept watering. Now I'm an emotional crazy woman who can't quit crying. At least it is a happy/excited cry for once. When we left, DH said that it is so exciting now. Things are really happening (how many times can we say that).

Deja vu

It’s so weird going through this right now. After four ectopics, I became “numb” while going through the stages from finding out I was pregnant, to confirming it was an ectopic, to either surgery or other means to end the ectopic. While finding out I was pregnant, I was always happy, then onto the hospital visits every other day to find out if my hCG levels were doubling. This stage is when I felt numb. I never got used to hearing the bad news nightly, but I was prepared for it as hard as it was. During the whole time I had no emotion, I knew it was bad, but I always hoped. Then the point when it is definitely an ectopic and we need to do something about it. This is when I would break down, cry constantly and go through surgery or shots until my levels were down to “not pregnant”. Then I would go in a fog until the next one.

Now I’m going through IVF. It seemed like when we made the first step and actually started on this process I was happy. Then bad news after bad news during the diagnostics brought my high down to the very lowest. Here I was finally getting to do the one and only way I’ll ever get pregnant, and there are more problems other than my tubes. I started to get numb after many nights of crying and feeling the same emotions that I have before. Now I’m going every other day for blood work and u/s. This reminds me so much from going to get bw every day while pregnant and NOT getting good news. Up until yesterday I was numb again, but then yesterday I got good news. I think it is the first time I have ever gotten GOOD news from a doctor when it relates to pregnancy. I cried, I cried all day yesterday. Every time I think of him saying “your uterus is excellent”, you’ve got more eggs, everything is looking good I cry. I just can’t believe things are good and we are finally at this point.

My bw is coming back good and my uterus lining is “excellent” (how many times can I say that to myself.. something is EXCELLENT)…

So now, we are doing the trigger shot Wednesday, ER Friday and ET on Monday! Now I am beyond excited. I just HOPE and PRAY everything works! I’m not ready for a LOW again, but I’m not naive either and I do know this whole process is a 50/50 chance…But I’m thinking GOOD thoughts!

PS – if anyone can tell me about the ER procedure I would appreciate it! I am so nervous about it, my clinic doesn’t use IVs or put you out, I just get some drugs.. YIKES

7am wake up time..

It's Sunday, I would have given ANYTHING to sleep in, I had to work all week, woke up at 4:45 Sat for my appointment and was hoping today would be sleep in day..but NOPE, had to start the new shot. So, the alarm went off at 7, I woke DH up to give me the shot (i will never be able to give them to myself)... I go to the kitchen to get the shot ready, let the dogs out for their "business" and here comes DH..he looks like he is sleep walking, wearing only his nice underwear. He says "don't turn on any lights"... we both feel hung over, not from drinking, just from the crazy ups and downs over the last month or so. So, he gives me the shot, I don't know the name right off the top of my head, but it's the one to make me not ovulate...anyway, that's done .. it didn't hurt AT ALL, nothing like the Menupor that stings, burns and takes forever. I let the dogs back in, and all at once the dogs jump back in bed, DH goes back to bed and I can't go back to sleep! I made a pot of good ole decaf coffee and have been laying on the couch watching movies. So much for sleeping in! Back to the dr. tomorrow for u/s & b/w. Hoping things are better.

Follie Check

I went this morning for my first u/s & bw after 5 days of stimming on Menopur... the dr. said good for me being a low/poor responder but I'm not sure. Only 3 follies in each ovary, ES 370 and LH 1.3. Honestly, I have NO clue what any of this means, and even though I swore off never googling again, I've been on google for the last THREE hours! The only thing I have done is waste three hours of my life.... so I'm going back to what RE said in the first place.. Not Great, Not Bad ... it's GOOD. And he told me I needed to start thinking positive thoughts and get excited. Of course I'm excited...but I am worried too.

So next week I go Monday for u/s & b/w - depending on how things go he said I would trigger on Wednesday and er on Fri. I have to think he knows best even though I think 6 total follicles is not enough...but it's QUALITY not QUANTITY, right? The orginial plan was to trigger tonight, but now I'm stimming for a couple more days... I'm hoping for more follicles on Monday (can I even get more in two day?).. Unfortunately, no er on our Anniversary, but we won't have to travel the 2 and a half hours to the clinic for our 10 year so maybe we can do someone fun.

Just another day..

I feel like I went from going to appointments every day to nothing. Now it's just the nightly shots.. I don't go back until Saturday for my first Ultrasound/Blood work to see how I'm responding to the Stims. So...what to do until then.... one thing is good, I'm catching up on all my work even though it's so hard to concentrate on work. I feel like my whole life is consumed right now in either being excited and happy or worried and anxiously waiting for my next appointment.

DH and I will have been married TEN years next week. And if all goes well, we will extracting the egg(ssssss) either the day before or the day of our anniversary! How cool is that! I always said we would have kids on our 10 year anniversary, little did I know that I would be almost exact ;).

Another grip I have about this whole process, we have a good marriage...yes we have the usual stupid fights just like anyone else and we have worked hard on our marriage, but since October when we started this whole process, we are so stressed, worried, nervous, happy...all these feelings and we can't deal with each other. We fight over the craziest things. Sure the fights only last maybe 5 mins, but we both blow up over nothing. I feel bad because I truly know I am crazy right now ;)... he can't do ANYTHING right, but then again, he is a little off too ;). Anywhoo.... I guess it's all part of the fun we get to go through. Thank god I came to work today...it gets my mind off things, but then again, access to the internet isn't good either.

Which leads me to another thing, the internet. I am not researching anything else on the internet. It makes me worry over things that are not my situation. FSH levels, I worried for weeks over my FSH level from reading other websites. Fibroids - gosh, I would have thought I could never carry a baby from some of the stuff I read (of course, the bad stuff is what was sticking in my brain). Now it's IVF protocols. I am OBSESSED with reading others protocols. I'm on the short protocol, no lupron because of my FSH level and poor reserve. From what I have read so far... this is not a protocol that I see often on clinic sites, so of course it's not going to work (in my head). I am officially announcing, no more reading for me. I am a Google Addict and I need help! ;)! I will only go to blogs...reading REAL life experiences - which is much more therapeutic than reading some study on the internet anyway..

Shots....

Well I went today and picked up the drug store! I am starting out with Menopur - taking five vials so they can start me out high and reduce if needed. My baseline is good (whatever all those numbers mean) the only thing I heard was my FSH level went from 10 to 8.1 today. He did say that was better. I have no idea what all this means... but I sure am getting a quick education in all this! Worse than the injection tonight was having to write the check this morning for the meds and IVF. I can't believe insurance doesn't cover this ..... mine covers Viagra but not fertility drugs.... wtf! okay, that was my one bitch for the day because today was a pretty good day! It was soo exciting starting today - getting all the drugs - getting my schedule! Now I just hope and pray everything works.

Injection - my stung for a bit but that was it! DH took FOREVER injecting, he was soo nervous (not as much as I was though). I am red in the area too..oh well, it's worth it in the end.

Good luck to everyone else going through this... I'm glad I made my way here to meet you all! :)

First meds appointment

Is tomorrow morning at 8:30. Is it normal to be excited and scared at the same time? I've been waiting so long for this. It's weird how it is finally here but I can't quit being worried that this isn't going to work. I need to just think positive but it's hard to. I wish I could just be happy and not worry about anything else.