11 weeks

Today is 11w and it started off with spotting. I woke up to light pink spotting when I wiped. Nothing like freaking me out first thing this morning. On top of that, I realized my boobs aren’t nearly as sore as they have been so of course I think the worse. I was crying so hard today, I’ve been lying on the couch though and haven’t had any more spotting since this morning. Bleeding is such a scary thing, I’m still scared but hoping I don’t have any more spotting. And why does it ALWAYS happen to me on weekends?!? After spending the morning reading, I see a lot of posts about people spotting light pink with nothing really “wrong” but it scares me because I was spotting pink a few weeks ago and we think that was from losing the twin. I don’t know, I’m losing my mind today. The bleeding has stopped but now I have a headache from crying, and I feel blah.

First OB appointment

Yesterday was the happiest day of my life. First, DH is out of town (unfortunately) and I had to go alone to my first OB appointment. I was fine with the whole exam and everything and then came the ultrasound. Up until this point, every u/s has been just a ball or circle, not a defined baby. Well as soon as the picture came up on the monitor, it was a baby! A baby, swimming around, arms were going everywhere, legs were kicking. The nurse was saying “wow – look, you can see the legs and everything” and the dr is saying “ isn’t he a show off, he is moving everywhere” well this entire time I am smiling and crying – but my cry is silent.. then all of a sudden, I couldn’t hold it back. I think every emotion from the time this whole IVF process started came out, I was crying so hard, the kind where you can’t catch your breath and you sound like a five year old, my whole body was shaking. It was the happiest day of my life. The nurse started crying, the student “observer” started crying and the dr. said “okay, I think you’ve got us all crying now”. The she turned the volume up and I heard the heartbeat, while he (or she) was moving all around she typed “hi mom”… and I lost it again. I cried so hard, I haven’t cried that hard in YEARS. They said alright, we’ll leave you alone so you can compose yourself… I’m in the room splashing water on my face thinking OK QUIT CRYING, and then it would start again. I think every emotion came out. I finally quit crying, the dr. came back in and we finished up and I was sent to the lap for 6.. yes SIX vials of blood to be drawn. I get out in my car, and the crying started again – then I talked to my mom – more crying – then I finally got a hold of DH – more crying… then back to work. I can honestly say I have never been so emotional or happy in my life. I have built such a barrier to emotions after each loss, I never dreamed of this feeling. I cant’ imagine how bad I’ll be next time – when I find out if it is a girl or boy.

9w1d

I have made the 9 week mark. My first OB appointment is this Thursday. I'm still in disbelief that I'm pregnant, that I have gone through IVF (and it worked) and what I've been waiting for, for so long is actually happening. On Fri a girl came up to me at work and said "your showing - I guess your pregnant". I thought, OMG - how can I be showing already!! My new obsession is to read online to find out if anyone else has gained weight during the first trimester - because my stomach really is popping out already and I don't know if its extremely bloated or what. I've read alot that petite people show early - at this point I don't really feel like I look pregnant, I feel like I look fat. Not that I'm complaining :) I did have a perfect storm of weight gaining activity though - quit smoking, fertility meds - now pregnancy. I guess i should just live with the fact that I've gained this much weight. I guess I'll find out exactly how much weight at my appointment Thursday. The fun though - SHOPPING. DH and I spent the entire day Saturday shopping for clothes that fit me. I haven't gone to the maternity clothes yet, I just bought pants (two sizes larger than my norm) and bought some large shirts. My medium and small shirts look ridiculous on me now - especially in the boob area.

As for 9 week symptoms - my new addition to the same - tired, sore boobs, and heart burn is CRYING. I've started crying twice about things I would never cry about before. Both times when DH was joking around with me. The first day he felt so bad, the second time he just said "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean for you to take that wrong" and I proceeded to laugh while I cried saying "I really don't know why I'm crying". The craziness isn't just beginning - it's just getting a little more crazy :). What fun.

8weeks!

Today was a great day - I seen the heartbeat and everything is going okay. I also have graduated to my own OB. That's a bittersweet feeling. It was sad leaving the clinic today knowing I would never go back, and thinking about what that place has done for me - it helped give me something I have been longing for since 1995 when I had my first ectopic.

Symptoms for the week - Still tired, boobs still very sore and bad heart burn. No real sickness this week (although, I'm not complaining about that one) ;).

I am officially pregnant! I still can't believe it.

7w4d

Well the week as I guessed it would is going by very SLOW. I quit taking my progesterone pills but now feel like my symptoms have decreased 90%. I always thought the progesterone was what made me feel so bloated and irritable. Well it must have been because I feel like I’m deflating and my irritation level has decreased a lot. Also, my boobs don’t hurt as much. All this is scary too, I do realize that losing pregnancy symptoms can be a bad thing – but I’m not allowing myself to think that route, just thinking it was the progesterone and now that I’ve stopped it my body is acting like a normal pregnant chick (wouldn’t that be nice – NORMAL and pregnant don’t go together for me). Oh yeah - I haven't really had any more sickness either - just one bad day. Hopefully I'll get lucky and not have any - although, the more symtoms I have, the better I feel (mentally).

Well I had to drop my fur baby off at the vet this morning to get neutered. I know they do thousands everyday – but still I was so nervous about it last night that I slept on the couch with the dog! How sad is that. Then this morning I got the extra pain meds, extra blood work and of course the IV for while he is under. Can’t wait to see the bill when I pick him up.

Also last night – while watching American Idol with my dog on my lap, I cried over a boy singing. OK – this is getting bad when I cry over someone singing. Glad DH is out of town, he would have thought I lost my mind – not to mention that he would have made fun of me for sleeping on the couch and not being able to sleep cuz I was afraid I was going to drop my dog off in the morning and he would never wake up. If how I treat my dogs are any indication on how my kids will be, I will have spoiled brat kids that everyone talks about ;).

7weeks

I’ve been bad on posting, good news though, I haven’t had any spotting since Tuesday. I've been spending so much time reading all my new books "what to expect when you are expecting" and "week by week, your pregnancy". I took the weekend to just relax and lay around, work has been so busy and all the worrying I’m sure hasn’t been good for me or the baby. I took my LAST progesterone pill tonight and my next u/s is Saturday. I know it’s going to be another long, slow week waiting for the weekend.

Today started my morning sickness - I have been nauseous all day long and my jeans are already too tight to wear. My sister stopped by Friday on her way from Florida to NY - she gave me some jeans that are a couple sizes larger than my norm, I thought to myself "I won't be wearing these for a while"..well, I tried them on yesterday - they fit and are a little snug! I say they are made small :)...other symptoms, VERY tired! I am so tired all the time and I am out everynight by 9 at the latest. Boobs are extremely sore and full, heartburn and headaches. I'm feeling pretty lucky though, I've heard some nightmare stories on the sickness, so far I haven't had anything to bad.

Saturday marked 7 weeks. Five more weeks to the big 12 week mark! Amazing how it took 10 years and four loses to get to this point. Saturday for some reason started a day of true happiness. I know things can still happen, but I feel like this is going to be okay and I'm going to carry this baby to term. I'm not sure what happened, but a sense of love and happiness took over and my guard went down as well as my constant fear of loss. The fear is of course still here- and I can't wait till my next u/s just to see for myself that things are ok, although letting down my guard a little and trying to think positive does feel good.

Going crazy..

Well not much going on other than spotting spotting and more spotting. It is really messing with my head and emotions. Sometimes I wait to go to the bathroom, what I don’t see is better for me, right?!? I called the dr and he still says as long as it is just a little pink when I wipe nothing to be concerned about. Bull shit I say. The spotting isn’t constant, it shows up at night and usually sticks around for a few bathroom visits, then it’s gone again. The next day I’ll be feeling good again, no spotting, just to get home that evening and wham.. effing spotting. Last night I was sick to my stomach – not from cramping or anything, just from being worried. And I know, I have read everything under the sun that says Spotting, while isn’t normal, is present in MANY first trimester pregnancy’s. Well, how are you supposed to know the difference in spotting that is no problem and a problem? And the people telling me “quit worrying, that will make it worse” okay, I would like to punch them… watch out.. I’m in a mood… haha…

Another thing that has just ruined my day - I went to get my hair trimmed - now I have LONG hair - all one length. My haircut gone bad - I now have SHORT SHORT SHORT hair - not even touching my neck with very SHORT layers all over my head. I actually cried when I seen it while I was still in the chair (emotional, maybe) ?